Thoughts on Motherhood!

My sister had a baby on Tuesday…Yeah Julie! It was not easy growing and birthing her 4th child. Of course if we think about it is every really easy? But she did it with grace and quite a bit of drama and flourish at the end. But our family has now been blessed with a brand new sweet smelling cherub looking angel named Caitlyn Colleen. These past couple of days and with Mother’s Day approaching I’ve been thinking about motherhood. It’s a topic that I think about quite a lot. I’m always wondering if I’m doing a good job and if I’m the mother my kids need as opposed to the one they got stuck with.

Mothering — good mothering that is — utilizes every part of a woman’s mind - and her brain - which I sometimes think are different things.

As mothers we’re constantly learning about our children and about our worlds - what our kids like, how they interact with us and the world around them. What it’s like as they grow, how to handle different situations. How to rise from adversity whether it be an owie, a failed test, an illness or a broken heart.

Mindful mothering means that we’re always on. It’s been said that mothers sleep with one eye open, always primed to jump or run to the crib, bedside, telephone, bathroom or kitchen and it’s true. I have rarely even found the off switch let alone used it — and I began wondering if there was anything left between my enormous droopy elephant ears (its true… I have a genetic deformity…just ask my husband) that doesn’t have to do with children. Most days I feel like I eat, sleep and breath family.

I have doubted myself in many areas of my life for as long as I can remember - and I have been shown that I can figure almost anything out and do anything well when I put my mind to it. But those anythings have not really had to do with mothering for over eighteen years. While I have found some successes in the work place over the year, I’ve even been nominated for a couple of writing awards, in other areas I’m not so sure of myself. Every morning when I wake up I wonder about my abilities as a mother and I find that it so consumes me that I don’t feel like I have the energy and space in my brain for anything else.

Therefore, when I signed up for my second writing class last semester and the assignments were more than just writing, I panicked. For this class I not only had to tap into my creative mind, but into my brain. I had to read, analyze, dissect, and figure. It wasn’t finding a flow for my story, but a method for my madness. And I struggled. I used page after page of notebook paper. First college ruled, then wide-ruled. I used pencils and pens - blue and black. I settled on wide-ruled and blue, and then I decided that was enough work for one day.

I had to think not about story but about method. I had to read about the reason behind what I wanted to say and figure out how and why I wanted to say it. It was all very deliberate. It did not flow. It was actually - academic. And with all the reading, writing, thinking and problem-solving I’ve done in my mothering life, this was like sitting down with the college math problems that made me want to study language and writing where no math was required. It just wasn’t going to happen.

I really doubted my ability to do the assignment at all and although my head hurt from thinking, it was really my ego that was in jeopardy. I felt incapable. Like I do so often as a mother.

Just tell me to write a paragraph, I thought. Don’t tell me to analyze and outline and configure. But then, inspired by my drive to prove myself wrong as well as not feel as if I wasted the money associated with this course, I sat down and completed the assignment, all the while shaking my head in dismay and confusion. Which is exactly what I do as I try to mother my teen boys.

And when I was finished, after days of reading and writing and scribbling and figuring and revising and redoing — it made sense.

Where I thought I’d been challenged as a mother, woman and world citizen simply - and not so simply - I hadn’t tapped this portion of my brain, in ages. I stared at the completed assignment — an outline — on my computer monitor and it represented to me much more than hours of diligence. It represented to me that there is always more than what’s obvious, more than what’s on the surface and that there is often more to me, than meets even my own mind’s eye. And that made me hopeful.

Elder M. Russell Ballard once gave a very poignant talk about motherhood and he said…

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.
The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.
Many are able to be “full-time moms,”
at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like
to be. Some may have to work part- or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother
loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has
for Godand her husband, prioritizes them above all else.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself…that’s why he’s the General Authority.

I guess what I’m trying to say today to all of us mothers, is embrace who you are. Delight in your God given talents. Stand tall and feel confident that you are doing the best you can. If you don’t think you are doing the best you can…then get down on your knees and pray for the courage and strength to be the kind of mother you want to be…that’s what I’m doing.

To my sister Julie…congratulations! You are a brave and dedicated mother. I have always been lifted up and inspired by your example as a woman, mother, friend and servant of our Heavenly Father. Enjoy your sweet baby and all of your beautiful children. They are all amazing.