I am about to enter the 7th Circle of Hell

My husband has been reading Dante's Inferno,hence the reference to hell in my title. I was thinking that this is very appropriate for how my day/week is shaping up. On Friday last week, our office was notified that we would be hosting Sarah Palin for a political rally on campus. She will be here Thursday. I have been fielding non-stop calls from the media and the public and the public media. Apparently Palin is a rock-star! On Thursday 10 to 15,000 people are expected to descend on me and my poor little campus. It's a good thing my doctor put me on the good meds a few weeks ago.

I can't tell you how tired I am of politics! I hate all of the stupid political ads running simultaneously with the media coverage of the financial melt-down! I work in public relations, I know how much it costs to run a 2 minute ad spot during prime time. Millions! I can't help but think that the money could be put to such better use, like feeding hungry children. Think what our schools could do with that kind of funding boon! I won't even get started about how I feel about Sarah Palin, a woman who has as much as abandoned her 6 month old child and pregnant teenage daughter at a time when her family needs her more than ever, for the sake of her political ambitions...oops sorry, I wasn't going to go there!

There are 20 days until the Presidential election. That means 20 more days of political jargon being flung at us by pundits with agendas all 24 hours of those 20 days, no matter how much the talking heads doth protest too much that they are bipartisan. Commentators and anchors are way more transparent than ghosts are. And scarier, too. I’m not even going to get into who ya gonna vote for. This blogger just doesn’t care…I mean that’s a very personal decision and I would never presume to try and influence you in any particular direction.

Listening to some banter the other day, I began to wonder what political buzz words and plain ol' jargon would mean if they were interpreted in the context of American momhood. You know, through the "soccer mom" lens. (No, not specifically Sarah Palin's lenses, but didn't that accidental cliche work well here??) So here is more political information than you ever really wanted to know with a real-world application.

Political phrases [PD = political definition] followed by a translation into mom intpretations [MD = Mom definition].

Barracuda
PD: Nickname of McCain’s running mate when she played high school basketball.
MD: Nickname of toddler who is feasting on the pudgy arms of his classmates in nursery.

Cone of silence
PD: Denotes that a candidate has been secluded to make sure he/she doesn’t have extra time to process questions that her opponent will have to answer off the cuff.
MD: Area within six feet of a teenager at the dinner table.

Boondoggle
PD: An unnecessary or wasteful project, sometimes done merely for appearances. Often refers to a government-funded project with no purpose other than political patronage.
MD: An unnecessary or wasteful project, sometimes done merely for appearances, such as preparing brussels sprouts for dinner or sending homemade cookies to a school party instead of Little Debbie brownies.

Strategic Ambiguity
PD: One side being deliberately vague on a policy so as to preserve their options. Also known as having it both ways.
MD: When Mom remains deliberately vague on a decision so as to avoid being the “bad cop” parent. Also known as self-preservation. After all we are the ones who end up enforcing the punishments. This is so you can say…”Don’t blame me it was your Dad who took away TV.”

Turn Coat
PD: Someone who supports both sides in a conflict in order to find out information.
MD: Highly intelligent mom of teenagers who supports both sides of siblings in conflict in order to find out information.

Greenwashing
PD: An attempt by corporations to disguise their policies as environmentally friendly.
MD: Laundering knees of blue jeans and sweatshirt elbows after backyard football/soccer.

Reality Based Community
PD: The liberal counterpart to the "Faith Based Community.”
MD: The real-life counterpart to “Family Sitcoms.”

Trickle Down Economics
PD: Often used in a derogatory manner, the usual meaning is a misunderstanding of supply side economics, it is usually used to sarcastically refer to the concept that the rich will shower down riches on the poor if only they could get tax cuts.
MD: Allowance.

Polls
PD: Asking people for their opinions on various matters, especially political leanings. Usually has a + or - 3% margin of error.
MD: Moms asking for kids’ input on various matters, especially the consequences of behavior infractions. Children should be advised that there is a + or – 3% chance of their receiving their preference.

Red State:
PD: States voting Republican.
MD: State of Katie’s complexion when Cooper uses his latest vocabulary or another Mom’s complexion when her preschool son runs his hand up the mannequin’s leg in a department store and exclaims to the entire store, “Mom, she’s not wearing any underwear…. And no I’m not speaking from experience here…well maybe I am ☺

Blue State
PD: States voting Democratic
MD: The emotional state after giving birth, also known as post-partum depression. Also the day after the last day of school when you realize that you will have your kids around you 24/7 for the next 2 months.

Previous Administration:
PD: Referring to the previous administration [duh] which often carries the brunt of blame for current problems.
MD: Referring to the previous administration [grandparents], who often carry the brunt of blame for current parents’ poor parenting skills.

Gerrymandering
PD: Redefining boundary lines for voting purposes.
MD: Redefining sleeping arrangements/bedroom boundaries nightly according to each kid’s claim of being afraid, thirsty, wet or lonely.

Veto
PD: An emphatic prohibition of any sort, esp. the right of a President, governor, or other chief executive to reject bills passed by the legislature.
MD: “Read my lips: No, you will not now nor will you EVER drive to Daytona for spring break with your soccer team and the cheerleaders. I don’t care if Uncle Gary lives in the vicinity! Vee-toe." Again, I may or may not be speaking from personal experience.


Filibustering:
PD: An exceptionally long speech, lasting for a day or days, or a series of such speeches to prevent the adoption of a measure generally against the will of the majority.
MD: A tactic used by teenagers to wear and tear down a parent who will not let the teenager attend an event that apparently "everybody else’s mom" is allowing their kids to attend.

GOP
PD: “Grand Old Party”
MD: Also “Grand Old Party” thrown when child finally goes on the “Grand Old Potty.”

GNP
PD: Gross National Product. GNP/capita is a measure of national income per person.
MD: Gross Nasal Product. GNP/capita is a measure of discharge that any one child produces in a 36-day marathon head cold.

Arms Control
PD: Limitation on the size and armament of the armed forces of a country
MD: Strategically placing younger siblings on the sofa between a teenager and his/her date.

Now that you are all ed-u-ma-cated in political speak, I just know that the next 20 days are going to be much more interesting for you… You’re welcome… I am here to serve. Don’t forget to write in Holley Berry for president on Nov. 4.