ABSURDITY

Recent conversation between me and my coworker who is in charge of the cultural events here at Elon and monitors the employee discount program. She has the horrible job of auditing the tickets to local attractions that we occasionally sell to employees, Her name is so southern it makes me laugh all the time, Donna Jo. Oh and don't think I haven't given her grief about the whole "Full House" tie in... because I have many times.

DJ (huffily throwing herself into one of my chairs): So I just had to send out an email to everyone in our department because none of you are selling tickets correctly, and you my friend are the worst offender.

Me: Weird. I’ve never done anything wrong in my entire life… just ask my mother. Also, I was coming to tell you that I just sold a bunch of tickets for some hair because they were worried about attending Sweeney Todd and not having enough.

DJ: Oh. Awesome.

Me: I wish I really had some hair to give you now because that would make this even funnier, especially since I just sent the ticket files for Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber to the printer and we really will be selling them next week.

DJ: *not laughing at all*

Me: For me.

DJ: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to rectify these sales? The other day someone came in and tried to buy tickets for. their. word.

Me: Which word?

DJ: No, like someone came in and ordered three tickets and when I told them how much it was they were all, “Well, I don’t have any money…but I give you my word.” What they don’t understand is employee discount doesn’t mean free!!

Me: Well that’s…kinda messed up. But I like my way better. Like if they offered their word and I’d be all “Okay, hit me” and they’d be like, ”Okay, ready? …Tintinnabulation“ And I’d be all, “Sweet! That’s a pretty amazing word. Here’s your tickets”.

DJ: Yeah, but in real life they’d probably say something useless. Like, I dunno…”sponge”.

Me: Or “snausages”.

DJ: And you’d have to be like, “Okay, just no. We have standards. Please leave.”

Me: Exactly. Hey, do you know what a “haberdasher” is? Because I just found out I’ve been using it wrong for…my entire life.

DJ: I use that word all the time and I have absolutely no idea what it means. I just randomly yell it at people as an insult, like“You insolent haberdasher!” Like a Victorian alternative to cussing. Isn’t it a ‘hat dealer’ or something?

Me: That’s what I thought, but I totally got called out for using the word incorrectly.

DJ: Hmm…google it.

Me: Okay… click/clack type type ”Haberdasher: A dealer in notions.” Dude. I’m a dealer in notions. Like right now I have a notion that my boss is going to ask me for these stupid budget reports this afternoon just because I’ve not run them yet.

DJ: Me too! I deal in notions all the freaking time. We’re freaking haberdashers, dude. Sweetness and Chocolate Kisses! (her idea of a great exclamatory phrase…must be a southern thing).

Me: Yeah, like right now? I’ve totally got a good notion to sell some tickets for hair and then run home thereby avoiding the inevitable request for the budget reports!

DJ: You. Insolent. Haberdasher.

PS. This isn’t really a “recent” conversation. It’s more like a “two-week-old-conversation-that-I-forgot-to-publish-because-of-this-difficult-life”. All of my real recent conversations have involved insurance and banks trying to get my totaled car paid off and help my husband find a job and my kids not flunk out of school and my father in law live his life outside of La La Land! But I wanted to demonstrate that I always have time in my life for ABSURDITY (think that word would get me an airline ticket to Utah or Arizona?)…probably not!