Instructions from beyond....

There are things in this life I hope that my children will learn, but due to the various laws of parenting and physics, if/when I share these nuggets of wisdom with my cherished progeny, all they glean from it is “WAA WAA WAA WAA.” Like the adults in all of the Charlie Brown cartoons.

While I hope to stick around on this mortal plane (Dane hates when I talk about dying, but oh well) for a good long time, it is my one sincere and true hope that IF I happen to make an early exit, certain important lessons—those which just sounded like maternal nagging whilst I was still among the living—will finally seem worth learning through what I was able to leave behind.

Plus, if these boys don’t start shaping up, I’ll be dead soon, anyway. That throbbing vein in my forehead can’t hold up forever. My guess is that I’m just three or four transgressions away from a stroke, so I’d better get this off my chest while I can still communicate clearly. (After this, I’m going to go practice tying my shoes. Just in case I survive the stroke but have trouble with my laces afterwards, it seems like a good idea to get in some extra practice.)

Dear Boys,

I love you. I really, really do. However there are a few things we need to discuss.
Let’s start with the word “okay.” Although I much prefer the more formal “Yes, Ma’am” to this colloquialism, it is allowable so long as you understand its usage. Using it improperly, however, can be confusing to those around you. The word “okay” used as a response indicates the affirmative; you are agreeing to whatever is being proposed. Consider this illustrative example:

Person who does everything for you: Boy 1, get your clothes out of the dryer and fold them and put them away.

You: Okay!

Here the word “okay” is being used properly, right? MAYBE. This is only proper usage when you then OBEY THE COMMAND GIVEN.
Let’s substitute MEANING for the actual words to reveal exactly what I’m talking about, here.

Example B (This is what I think you mean when you say okay)

Person who does everything for you: Boy 1, get your clothes out of the dryer and fold them and put them away.

You: That’s a great idea and I’m going to do that right now because I know that if I don’t, I’ll forget thereby rendering my Okay, null and void.
Example C (This is what YOU mean and so we’re experiencing major miscommunication!)
Person who does everything for you: Boy 1, get your clothes out of the dryer and fold them and put them away.

You: I’m going to respond with a meaningless word while I continue to channel surf, peruse your Good Housekeeping magazine, scratch and do basically anything but what you just asked me to do. For added joy, after the third time we go through this little verbal farce, we shall act terribly wounded that you are now yelling.
I hope that clears things up for you about the use of the word okay, moving forward.
Furthermore, I would like to acquaint you with some of the finer points of living in a house with people who are neither your slaves nor psychic. Perhaps your recent stint of living on Planet Glipthorp rendered you unaccustomed to this foolish earthling custom of POLITE COMMUNICATION, but I trust that with some perseverance you’ll adapt.
Again, let’s turn to some examples to see if we can glean the basic principles.

Right way to communicate:

You: My room is really messy and I’m feeling overwhelmed with how to organize it. Will you please help me organize it so that it will be easier to keep clean and I can find things that I need on a daily basis without having to make you or myself late for school/work.

Person who does everything for you: Why yes, I would be happy to help you. I think that is a very excellent idea and I’m sure that with some HARD work and perseverance, we can get your room whipped into shape.

Wrong way to communicate:

You: When are you going to clean my room, I can’t find my whistle for work and I don’t have any clean socks for next week.

Person who does everything for you: … what do you mean, you don’t have any socks? Have you not just been doing laundry and folding and putting it away? I can’t help you with your room until you remove the months of trash you have piled under your bed around the floor and in your closet. When that is gone, I will be happy to HELP you organize your room.

You: SOCKS! I DON’T HAVE ANY IN MY DRAWER! AAAAAHHHHHH!

Person who does everything for you: If you had done what you were told in the manner your were told, you would have socks.

You: They’re under the bed! I didn’t feel like trying to mate them. Plus they are getting too small and I always have to borrow socks from Dad.

Person who does everything for you: ahhhhhhhhh (this is where I have been renedered semi-permanently braid dead…. I seriously thought that vein was a gonner.)
You: WHY Don’t you ever fold our clothes for us anymore. You always used to fold our clothes and put them in our drawers.

Person who does everything for you: (those storms that whipped across Kansas yesterday….. that was me taking in a deep breath before I ripped off your head)

You: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME???

Person who does everything for you: … (me leaving the room before blood was spilled)

In the foregoing example, there is a three-step process required. First, you must be obedient and fold and put away your own socks and clothes. Second, you must alert the management when your socks/clothes are not of adequate size so that steps can be taken to prevent a sock shortage. I think you’ll find this method completely doable with diligent practice.

Third, when you ask for help that means that we are going to work on the project together with the Lion share of the work being done by the party that requested the assistance!

Let’s try another one.

Right way to communicate:

You: That was a delicious dinner you made for me today. I really enjoyed it. Thank you! I know it was just frozen pizza and salad but I liked the way you put some extra cheese and toppings on it.

Person who does everything for you: You’re very welcome. Here, have a a Klondike Bar for dessert.

Wrong way to communicate:

You: Why can’t we have Dominos pizza, you have those buy one get one free cards.
Person who does everything for you: Um, because I had a coupon and so I could get THREE frozen pizzas for much less than the ONE I would have had to purchase to get the free one from Dominos and we need to save money since you use gasoline like water when you drive my car.

You: I don’t really like Red Barron, next time get Digiorno’s

Person who does everything for you: How are you able to inhale something you don’t really like?

You: I was hungry and it was there.

Here, you have two choices. You can learn how to be a grateful human being, maybe even—dare I say it?—a less picky human, too, or you can make your own darn meals after you have done the grocery shopping to get the ingredients after you have worked to earn the money for the ingredients. And then die of scurvy or rickets because you eat nothing but pretzels for 233 days in a row.

There is just one more lesson I hope you might internalize upon my untimely passing, boys, and that is that siblings are forever. May you be one another’s best friend, moving forward, as that’s the sort of gift that will bless you for a lifetime. You do need just a little work in this area, as well, of course.

Right:

You: Can you help me with this?
Sibling: Sure! Here you go.
You: Thanks! You’re the best.
Sibling: No, YOU are!

Wrong:

You: Can you help me with this?
Sibling: Sure! Right after I dance around tormenting you for a while, and call you stupid.
You: I’M TELLING! And while I’m at it I’m going to tattle on the last 57 things you did that I’d forgotten about. Let me get my list, this is gonna take a while.
Sibling: I am plotting my revenge, even now.

I know it’s a subtle distinction, but again, perhaps knowing that this was part of your mother’s dying wishes for you will lend the necessary motivation to work at these little nuances.

Have a wonderful life, kids, and know that I’LL BE WATCHING YOU (cuz that’s not creepy at all)

Love,
Mom

[Note to the applicable adults: Please see that the boys receive these instructions upon my unfortunate demise. You even have my permission to throw in a “NOW look what you did!” along with it, make sure its served up with a heaping portion of guilt!]