I am suffering some sort of mental malady and it's really got me out of sorts. I don’t seem to have any control over my emotions and hormones. I feel angry and anxious and irritated all at once. Life has been coming at me at warp speed and I’m feeling rebellious and resentful. Usually words are my tool. I can write, it’s a talent that I have, but lately I haven’t really been writing anything I can be proud of. I’ve just been spewing my discontent.
I don't really know why eloquence has abandoned me, but it's almost as if a part of me has been amputated.
When I sit here and stare at the screen, my fingers stumble over the keys, as my brain stumbles over the formulation of thoughts and ideas. These feelings and emotions are scary and confusing. The desertion of my control has left me feeling decidedly handicapped.
You know that feeling when you go out by yourself, and you feel like something is missing? You check for your keys, they're there, you check for your wallet, it's there, cell phone, debit card, there, there. And then you realize that it's the sheer unencumbered freedom that has you feeling unbalanced and just....wrong?
That's hasn't happened to me in quite a while, because my boys have been in school full time for quite some years, and I've grown accustomed to being out by myself.
But it's an eerily similar feeling; something is missing and I have to find it.
So I have been examining this thing, this...handicap, trying to figure out what is laming me why I can’t make this go away.
The myriad little outrages I experience daily sometimes are good filler, but they are becoming petty and pointless and stupid.
The important stuff I just don't seem to have the chops to tackle at the moment. What does it mean when a person can't muster up enough righteous indignation about anything except sudafed and being nearly run over in a crosswalk.
Books are always good blog fodder, but right now, I'd rather actually read one than write about reading one. I'm feeling lazy and uninspired, I suppose.
My kids...sigh...they seem to take turns confounding me. They are at a point in their lives where I have to slowly turn things over to them to take control and I’m really mourning the loss of my little children. I used to lament not having girls. And I used to think I would simply keep churning out children until my womb yielded a child with the proper assortment of sex organs.
I would have my girl.
That's not exactly how things worked out, and as it happens, that's all for the best. Both health wise for me and probably financially for us. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart. But there is something special when you have a daughter. You know that saying “have a daughter you have her for life, have a son an you lose him to his wife.” That really scares me. I’ve seen men who have allowed themselves to be swallowed up by their wives family and almost ignore their own family. Plus I miss being a part of my extended family.
I could whine some more about life in the South...I always have an abundance of ammunition for that. But I don’t really have the right attitude about that now. Mostly when I whine its tongue in cheek, but lately.... well you know.
It occurs to me then, that this is not a disease unto itself, but a symptom of a larger malaise.
Dissatisfaction.
It's a demon with which I have been wrestling for some time.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the kind of person who is ever truly satisfied. Maybe I'm one of those people who is always hungering for something. And if so, maybe that is not always a bad thing. There are things that are worth hungering for: righteousness, truth, knowledge, experience, justice, beauty....
But when one is a middle class working mom with few options and resources for any kind of meaningful change, hunger is not a very constructive component in one's life.
In fact, it can really be a pain.
Acceptance. Now there's a useful thing.
Don't you think people who just accept are, by and large, happier people?
I do.
Therefore, I must resolve to strive to be more accepting of the way things are, instead of wishing so hard that they were different; and losing myself to anger and resentment when they are not.
Acceptance has never been my strong suit, but after 40 years, maybe it's time to try something different.
I'll let you know how that works out.
Holley & Dane
7 comments:
Holley,
1. You have not lost your writing ability so even if you find the topics that you write about not quite as exciting as others, you are still writing very, very well. I look every day for your next installment, whether it be a gripe or a whine or just plain hilarious.
2. I think acceptance of certain uncontrollable things is definitely something to strive for. However, there are things that ARE within our control and finding a way to make those things better for ourselves is a good thing. Ultimately we are never really in control and so I think accepting that fact is useful.
3. I know that life didn't work out for you the way you had planned it, but hey if it had we would both be in Hawaii right now with our ultra-rich husbands exchanging expensive presents and marveling at our gorgeous children. In that equation at least we got gorgeous children, right? I think living in paradise is going to have to wait until our next lives. I'll meet you there!!
Holley, Hi, it's Janet. I found your post through Jeanna's post. I wish you were closer to me. I'd share alot with you. My - - you sound like I did back when I was 40. I just have one thing to suggest to you. Find yourself a good hormone therepist or a Dr. who will do blood work and put you on hormones. I did and let me tell you, I'm a new women. Just ask my husband. I take thyroid, testosterone and a few other - -estrodiol is one also. Really, you sound like you are hormonally unbalanced. Try to get that help and you'd be surprised how things all fall into place.
Hey Sis, You need to hang in there and try to be positive and look at all the blessing you do have. And I think that you need a trip to warm Arizona. Baylee needs some Aunt Holley time. We can watch old movies, you can teach me some crafts, go on walks and just have a good relaxing time. You need to recuperate. So let me know when you have your ticket. Love ya and hang in there, Heavenly Father is only a prayer away.
Genesis 2:24 ... there's nothing saying the wife cannot be an especially choice spirit who will encourage an extended family relationship. Only that as moms, we need to allow our sons to be fully committed to their wives. They'll always be your sons. Before too long you'll get those daughters you've been waiting so long for. [Not that you're getting old or anything ;-)] then ...
[voice=CarlySimon] A N T I C I P A T I O N[end voice]
Just wait until those marvelous little granddaughters come along and you get to pour out that pent up passion for little girls!
I hope you shake the doldrums soon!
Hey Holley - I get like this too sometimes, only it's uglier because I'm not a very nice person even when I am feeling good. But it always passes and I go back to "normal". Hang in there, things will get better.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-38,00.html
Holley, Here is a link to a talk from General Conference from Elder Oaks. If you remember he and Grandpa were once mission companions. I gotta tell you, I'm a little worried about you. I really think a trip home would help a lot. You need to spend a couple of days with my girls. Let me tell you I love McKell, but she can really give me a run for my money. I have a neighbor who has 7 boys and no girls, she sometimes can't fathom the stories I tell her about McKell and I'm not sure she wants to. Anyway this neighbor has remained very close to her boys and now has a couple of grandaughters. I don't think she would agree with you that you lose your sons. I think she would tell you she finally has the daughters she always wanted. I also have a friend who's family has always been closer to her Dad's side of the family, you just never know. Finally, I don't think Mom has lost any of her boys. Everytime I am with her she gets a call from atleast one of them if not more. You are so wonderful, just like Mom. She even went to St. George to help Lindsay when she had Ireland, sometimes I can't tell if Lindsay is the daughter or Kevin is the son. You will have that kind of relationship with your new daughters when they come into your life. In the meantime I hope you can count your blessings and see the everyday miracles that happen in your own life. I love and admire you. Love, Julie
I hear it is so hard to let your kids go their own way. My aunts are going through that right now too. They cry all the time. But think about what a great job you have done raising them, and know that they will turn out just fine. Then get really excited for the future, and all the little grand babies you get to hold and watch grow!!! They better give you grand babies, you deserve it!!! lots of luv!
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