Promiscuous is the new Random

At least, it is according to thesaurus.com. And now that I know that, I can claim to be promiscuous for the first time in my life.

(Welcome to Wild Berry Punch! Now with more slutty!)

If I had a cohesive tale to tell you I would, because I’m an excellent sharer that way (perhaps it comes along with the promiscuity?), but the best I’m going to be able to muster right now is a few bits and pieces. This is my brain. This is stress. This is my brain on stress. Any questions? Not that there’s a darn thing I’ll do about it if you DO have questions, because today this is all I’ve got.

Brien, work, Brien, work, school and Brien, Father-in-law, visiting teaching are all kicking my butt this week and it’s only Tuesday. And then I had to venture across campus to return a book to the Elon library. I hate the library, all sorts of “STUDENTS” there. I am a NON-TRADITIONAL student, that’s code for dummy who is saddled with husband and kids but still has academic aspirations and is over the age of 25. Well I last saw 25 about 15 years ago so I'm getting more Non-Traditional by the minute.

Well I returned a book to the library because it smelled bad. Whomever borrowed the book before me had, it seemed, smoked twelve packs of cigarettes while reading it, then perhaps rubbed the book into his or her armpits, and maybe some other areas. I didn't want to think about it. (Liar! I wanted to know exactly what happened to this book. Not only did I sniff at it for far too long, I also invited others to smell it. Strangely, no one really wanted to.) The book, incidentally, was "The Business of Writing for Children.” Not "Smell this!: Inventing New and Puzzling Odors Using Your Very Own Body." It isn't the sort of book I would imagine might attract a reader who's vehemently anti-shower. But nonetheless.

So I returned the book. I couldn't very well drop it into the drop-off box, because 1) it would infect all the other books with its funk, and 2) the library would think I am responsible. The library is judging, always judging. The librarians get together at the end of the day and mock my book-borrowing choices. Yeah, that’s right, just mine. I know how these things go. I work here too and I mock with the best of the mockers.

I handed the book to the librarian and explained the deal with the book. "This book has an odor," I said, "and if you’ll smell me you’ll know that the odor did not originate from me. I smell of lavender, with notes of vanilla, while this reeks of unwholesomeness and the grave."

Let me try that again. "Hi, this book smells," I told the librarian. She held the book between two fingers and nodded, tossing it into a bin. The smelly-book bin? "It happens all the time," she said. "I've seen much worse."

"Like what?" I asked her, but she only shook her head. So I'm pretty sure that what she meant is that people poop in books. I'm guessing, here, but I also know I’m right, and that it happens all the time. And I know for a fact that other bodily fluids have turned up on the books or in the books and the magazine racks as well. Don’t ask me how I know this.... college campus that is not BYU is all you need to know.

In conclusion, smell your books before borrowing them. Maybe shake them out a bit. You'll thank me later.