Taking on Corporate America

In my job I occasionally do some design work. So my boss sent me to a class. I remember that the first lesson was that everything you see around you, every product, every package, every object, every everything — someone consciously made decisions about its size, shape, color and how it functions.

I thought back to that day of design class on Saturday as I struggled to tear open one of those so-called “easy open” zip-lock packages of grated cheese. According to what was printed on the package, I was supposed to Tear Here and Voila! I would then behold the American dream - instant cheese! But, alas there was no voila and no cheese. After a dozen futile attempts, the loss of my one good fingernail and a cut on my lip from trying to chew the package open like a feral dog, and a slice out of my finger from trying to whittle it open with a knife, I was left with only my frustration and an unfulfilled dream of instant cheese gratification.

As I was dabbing at my cut lip while simultaneously tying a tourniquet on my finger and yelling for Wesley to help my Father-in-Law, I was thinking of suing the package designer for malpractice or at least pain and suffering. Scissors you ask? I do have a good pair of kitchen shears, but have you ever tried to keep any kind of tools or scissors in a place where lazy, absent minded teenagers live? My next impulse was to redesign the package into a chedder fast ball and hurl it across the room. Until I saw Brien taking it all in. And I didn’t want him thinking Mom had just invented a fun new food hurling game, because there would be no going back on that. He has already picked up on some of my road rage techniques. I decided that whomever designed this easy open package should be forced to try to open it with a pair of dull left-handed kiddy sissors, while a Father-in-law who has recently had prostate surgery is trying to get up to go to the bathroom and is yelling for you to come help him get his pants down for the 8th time in an hour. Because that’s what I was doing just before I got the idea for cheese baseball.

I think it would foster more goodwill for the cheese people if they would just clearly and truthfully print on the packaging: “Don’t even think about trying to open this package until you find your good sissors and all family members who reside in the house with you are either asleep or gone. And you are not menopausal and hormonally challenged. Have you lost weight?”

Perhaps it is just my nature to be frustrated by these kinds of things but I am on a campaign to get corporate America to be more truthful about packaging because I CAN handle the truth. Here are some ideas I have for more truthful packaging that I am thinking of sending in:

Old: Easy Open
New: Easy Open! ROFL!

Old: Kids Love’em!
New: Only Dogs That Eat Poop Will Eat This Stuff

Old: Reasealable
New: Reasealable - Duct Tape Not Included.

Old: Tear Here
New: Tear Here — But Not Before Your Meds

Old: Single Serving
New: Single Serving — If you’re Ashley Olsen

Old: Peel Back Corner To Open
New: Peel Back Corner! Snort! Kidding! It’s one piece - Gotcha!

Old: Fat Free
New: Tastes Like Fat-Free Shag Carpet

Old: Fresh Scent
New: May make large dogs overly friendly.

On the other hand, even those rolls of plastic wrap and foil sometimes confound me, so it could just be me.

Anybody else have packaging issues?