Stop Sending It My Way, diet rationalization 1,005,678

Dear Friends,

Recently many of you have been losing weight. I was happy for you, really I was.

But now I must tell you to knock it off.

While researching on the internet, (what did people do before they had 24 hour unlimited access to information) I discovered a little known law of the universe that was proven by Einstein. Really, it’s true. I read it on the internet.

The Law of Conservation of Fat states that fat cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another. The fat ’stored’ in an object can therefore be converted to another form of fat without doing ‘work’

In layman’s terms this means that there is a fixed amount of fat in the world. If you are losing it, it must be going somewhere else.

And that somewhere else seems to be my body. I have a bet with my sister that I am losing and my fat won’t leave because it is obviously having too much fun with the fat you’ve sent to visit.

I regret to inform you that this cannot continue. So please, grab a fistful of leftover Halloween Candy, heavily indulge in all of your favorite Thanksgiving goodies and break out the candy canes, and reclaim what is rightfully yours.

Thank you.

PS -I am also working on a petition to add an amendment to our Constitution prohibiting full length 3 way mirrors which cause you to view your body from perspectives you were never supposed to unless you were a circus contortionist. I firmly believe if God had wanted us to see what we looked like from behind he would have made our heads be able to spin around like that of an owl. Clearly, these mirrors are the spawn of Satan. Please join me in pledging your allegiance to justice for all citizens who are not a size 0.