Can you spell CRAZY!

I am a crazy women!
Not crazy in the eccentric way like my father in law.
No, I mean crazy in the should-be-strapped-down-to-a-table-and-have-electroshock-therapy
kind of way.

Yesterday I joined the ranks of mental patients across the globe!

I was at my GYN appointment and the doctor asked me how I was, if I was experiencing any side affects from my hormone replacement therapy. There was a time recently when my hormones, which have always been unstable, went even more haywire, this coupled with the stress of family stuff, I was not fun to be around. So I answered that I was fine. And just to illustrate how fine I was, I burst into tears. I am fine. But I’m not fine.

I’m not angry and crying anymore. I don’t walk through the house slamming things down on tables and randomly yelling at innocent people, though that is more a testament to my self-control than a lack of desire to do so.

If you were to see me out grocery shopping, I would seem surprisingly normal. I wouldn’t yell or make a scene, even if you cut me off with your cart and grabbed the last package of almond granola bars (Wes’ favorite). I might even smile and make a joke about it. But inside I’d want to tear your face off and then stomp on it for good measure. So this isn’t normal? People at work always comment to me that I am so “calm” and “peaceful” and “patient” and they want to know my secret. I never know what to say because those words do not describe how I feel.

I don’t know how to describe how I feel now, other than a resigned sadness. It’s like an aura that hovers in the air around me, almost palpable at times. I think it maybe seasonal depression. I always get this way as we approach the holidays. You see I live a long way away from any family and I miss them very much. Holiday time is the worst when you don’t live close to my Grandma White, who is the personification of all things Holiday. Upon further analysis that may be why I despise seeing the Christmas stuff out so far in advance. It’s just a big reminder that once again, I won’t be with my extended family! Thank goodness that Gary & Katie live in the Eastern half of the United States now and I at least have Thanksgiving to look forward to, this year. Sadly though, they are only temporary east coasters.

The doctor asked me if I had friends that I talked to. He seemed a bit worried when I asked, “Do you mean in real life?” and responded, “Well, I don’t mean imaginary friends.” That made me laugh because I never thought of the people I know via the internet, (I have become a blog stalker) as imaginary per se. But now I will, because it makes me seem even crazier. And hysterically laughing and crying simultaneously at the doctor’s office, will make him rip out that script pad faster than the speed of light.

Well that and when he asked me what I like to do in my free time. I didn’t want to mention my imaginary friends again or the internet, because nothing screams crazy like blog stalking and there are no 12 step recovery programs that I am aware of. So I said shopping. Which would have been a fine answer, I think, except that he asked shopping for what? And I blurted out, “Groceries!” Goodness gracious why would I say that.

It’s a good thing I didn’t mention the internet, because that would have seemed crazy.