I'm so proud of my boy Brien!

Hi Mom,

Have you ever been driving somewhere, and you see a sign in big flashing letters that unmistakably says MERGE RIGHT. LEFT LANE CLOSED AHEAD.

Being the good reader that you are, you take this to mean that the left lane is closed ahead.  You merge right because you know that no left lane will preclude driving in the left lane. You are astute like that.

Then you, along with the other good readers, spend the next 30 minutes painfully inching forward in the right lane for the next mile where the left lane actually ceases to exist.  And as you approach the point where the left lane ends you are united with those who did not merge right a mile back and now insist that you let them in.

And are you like me in that some days your tendency is to look straight ahead and pretend that you don’t see them? And maybe you keep the front end of your car so close to the back end of the car ahead that even a gnat couldn’t pass between?  Or maybe you are even brazen enough to look over at them and give them the “Ain’t no way buddy!” look.  You maybe even say to yourself, “That’s no fair!  Get in line and inch up like the rest of us!  Who do you think you are??”

Now that I’m older and have a slightly better grip on what is important in life, I’ll usually just wave one or two in front of me and go on my merry way, because the stress of teaching the world a lesson while behind the wheel of a car is just not worth it.  But sometimes, it’s just one of those days and I can’t stop myself, and I allow myself to falsely believe that they will change their me-first-lane-cutting ways and the world will be a better place for all concerned if I don’t let them get away with it.

But that never happens.

Those days when I just have to right the traffic wrongs, I never move along feeling better about myself.  I never feel like I made my little slice of the world a better place.  In fact just the opposite. Sometimes a win is not really a win.

Brien has had a really tough time this past semester in school. He's had to endure several confidence shaking experiences. Critiques by instructors at school and also critiques and bad-mouthing by some of his co-students. In the last week of the semester his partner for his capstone project quit, although that really didn't have anything to do with Brien. But he has a tendency to be like his mother and his grandfather and take everything personally. Often when he's pushed or feeling insulted my normally tenderhearted boy will respond to this perceived attack by digging in his proverbial heels. He gets defensive and goes on a counter-attack (this is particularly true when he's around Wes...but that's a story for another day). When all of this was happening during the most pressure filled time of his program, I saw that he was not handling things very well and that anger, resentment and self-doubt were really starting to take there toll on him. As you know, school is never something that has come easy to him.

So the other day, I sat Brien down and I talked to him. I told him about my experience with taking things too personally. I told him about Dad and his inability to let things go and how destructive that can be in life. I told him that holding onto hurts and nursing a grudge and a bad attitude simultaneously only results in more pain for yourself.

I explained to him that often times even if you are in the right and respond to negativity, meanness, or just plain thoughtlessness in kind you are not really winning. Real winners in life return meanness with kindness, return thoughtlessness with thoughtfulness and return negativity with a positive attitude. I told him that being the bigger person doesn't really cost you anything, and as a bonus you get to feel good about yourself.

He didn't really respond to that. I could tell he was giving it skeptical consideration or trying to figure out how to get off the subject.

"What if you give up something that does cost you?" he asked.

Good question. Crickets chirped as I tried to think of something I had given up lately that had cost me something and couldn't come up with one thing.

"I guess then you get to look big in the eyes of Heavenly Father," I said slowly, more to myself than to him, wondering what the heck just happened here. I thought I was supposed to be the teacher.

Sometimes, the teacher is the student and learning is more about the questions than the answers. And recognizing that is part of being an adult.

Well last night I could see that Brien had thought about what we discussed. All week long he put the negativity behind him and pushed forward with a good attitude and worked harder than I have ever seem him work in his life. It all paid off. His meal was perfect. It was delicious...a feast for the senses. Both tasty and visually appealing. 

We had to leave before the judges gave their critiques and grades for the evening were handed out. But before we left I made sure to tell him that no matter what grade he ended up with...last night was one of those times when everything came together and he was a WINNER both in the kitchen and as a man. He did his absolute very best and I could not have been more proud.