Driving Dane crazy one phone call at a time

Hi Mom,

I hope you are doing well. I'm still bogged down with lots of work. I find myself really missing the summers of my youth that were spent riding my bike and playing softball all summer long. Those were the days! I don't know how much I like this responsible adult thing I've had going on for the last 25 years. I can't even contemplate retirement anytime soon. Not that the government will even allow me to retire...but that's another complaint all together. I thought I would share another one of those hilarious exchanges with Dane that drives him crazy. I actually kind of feel sorry for Dane because it seems the older I get the more the teasing/get your goat traits that I inherited from Dad come out in my personality. I just can't stop myself. To give you a little background...you know how long it took Dane to accept and embrace cell phone technology right? Well embrace it he has. But he has this habit of expecting me to you know, use it to communicate with him. I have this terrible habit of leaving my phone in the car when I'm running errands. Or, I turn the ringer off while I'm at work for a meeting and then I forget to turn the ringer back on. When I have to work late sometimes I just get so focused on getting the work done so that I can get home and I forget to let Dane know that I will be really late. Maybe I'm not such a responsible adult after all...HMMM. I'll have think about that tomorrow. Anywhoo...see if this reminds you of Dad. Oh and Happy Belated Anniversary Mom. I love you!!!

Conversation with Dane after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:
Dane:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?
me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.
Dane:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.
me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:
Dane:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, HOLLEY.  JUST ANSWER IT.
me:  *mumble mumble*
Dane:  What?  What are you saying?
me: *mumble mumble*
Dane:  WHAT?
me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.
Dane:  WHAT?
me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.
Dane:  You’re killing me here.
me:  It won’t always be a drill, Dane.  Get your act together.

The 40,002nd time:
Dane:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.
me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.
Dane:  RELIEVED?  I’M IRRITATED. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL AND LET ME KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE THREE HOURS LATE GETTING OFF WORK?
me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

The 40,003rd time:
DANE: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?
me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Holley.
DANE: YOU ARE RIDICULOUS.
me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?
Dane:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?
me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

The 40,004th time:
Dane:  AAAAARGH!
me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.
Dane:  JUST ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!
me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.
Dane:  I already don’t understand you.
me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

The 40,005th time:
Dane:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.
me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.
Dane:  But at least you’d answer the phone.
me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.
Dane:  What?
me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in duct tape remember how it gave me a rash when I was trying to smother that wart on my hand? So I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

The 40,006th time:
Dane:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?
me:  Well, that would be very depressing.
Dane:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.
me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Dane.

The 40,007th time:
me:  OH MY GOSH, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.
Dane:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.
me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.
Dane:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.
me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.