I told you about how I went to that doTerra essential oils seminar put on by Katie's friend last weekend. It was great and Dane and I learned a lot. We were so impressed with it that we joined up and even bought some stuff to try. So since I was impressed with the essential oils and have been trying to go more holistic with food and stuff, I decided that I would try to have a massage. I have been having problems with my left hip and my shoulders for a few months and I have torticolis in my neck and its been kind of acting up lately. Kelly suggested that I have a deep tissue massage to release the toxins and align my chakras or something like that. So despite the fact that I have major personal space issues and don't even like it when Dane hugs me too often, I went to get the massage and it was awesome, except for the parts when I thought I was going to be murdered.
Halfway through the gal told me to “smell” I was all “What?” and I opened my eyes and her hands were over my face like she was just about to smother me and I yelled “WHAT?” and she said, “I said ‘smell‘” and so I did and it was eucalyptus. I assume that’s some kind of aromatherapy but I have to think that the relaxation gained from smelling eucalyptus is not worth the stress you get from thinking you were going to be smothered. Maybe it’s just me. Then she rubbed the eucalyptus into my body. Except by “rubbed” I mean “punched.” I smelled like I'd been beaten up by a koala bear.
Then she started pulling on my limbs and pushing them back in and it was kind of like if a class of kindergartners were told to kill you using only their hands and feet. Then she tried to dislocate my arm. Not on purpose, but she kept doing this thing and my arm was getting crunchy(?) and so she pushed harder and then I realized that she was trying to align my shoulder-blade except that I’m sort of resistant to people trying to pull my arms off. Then I started thinking maybe she didn't really know what she was doing but she did have a really nice license, framed and hanging on the wall, so I assumed she was legit but that maybe she was trying to fix something unfixable and so I’m all, “Oh, it’s supposed to be like that. You can move on”
Then she asked, “Um, have you ever had an allergic reaction to lotions or essential oils?” and I was all “No, why?” and she told me that my arm was really red and I was all, “Oh, that’s because YOU JUST TRIED TO DISLOCATE MY SHOULDERBLADE” but I didn’t say that out loud because at this point I was a little afraid that she was going to murder me, because who enjoys inflicting that much pressure on someone? Sadists, that’s who. But then it turns out that I am allergic to the oils, or that maybe I’m just breaking out in hives from the stress of my stress-relieving massage.
The only good part was when it was over and the gal was all “Make sure you drink a lot so you can flush your body of the toxins” and so I was all “Heck yeah." when I got home and I poured myself a gigantic glass of diet caffeine free Dr. Pepper and downed like 25 Advil and Dane said, “Water. You’re supposed to drink water” and I was all “She was not specific“.
And that’s why there are so many typos in this post. Because I’m so sore and tense not to mention bruised and dislocated. That was not relaxing at all. Next time I’m just skipping straight to the diet Dr. Pepper and the 25 Advil. I have been peeing a ton because apparently taking that many Advil's acts like a diuretic....so that must be flushing out all of the toxins right?
In the immortal words of Taylor Swift...I am never, ever, ever getting another massage as long as I live!!!
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