Learning to embrace the Fall

Autumn in North Carolina always catches me off-guard with its beauty. The sky has deepened to a brilliant blue. The wind breezes through my mostly brown hair with a slight chill, and I wrap my hands around my herbal tea mug to warm them when I sit at my desk first thing in the morning. As I organize my workday and change into my work “hat” I think about how I feel almost normal again. The beauty of life, normal life, fills me to overflowing. And yet, I feel an uneasiness underlying it all. Like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong.

The past year our life has been, in a word, nuts. Things have felt out of control and all over the place. And hard…really hard. This year has been filled with helping our sons launch themselves into the world. Both boys have moved into their first apartments and are in college. Where once our lives were filled with so many activities I thought I would go crazy, there is an odd silence in our home now, not exactly unwelcome just odd. Both boys have had some big bumps in the road that we’ve had to help them overcome, proving that neither of them is fully prepared for adulthood and that they still need us. Which in a way is a comfort, but is also very expensive.  

Just when we were settling into life as empty nesters we found out that Dane’s Dad had an inoperable tumor on his liver and that he only had weeks to live. It seemed like we had just found our footing when yet another trial, something else we had to fight our way through came along.

The summer was filled with anguish due to horrible decisions that were thrust upon us. Trying to take care of Dane’s Dad and help him prepare himself for death while all the while he was living in a state of denial. Even the final week of his life was fraught with exasperation at his inability to fully grasp what was happening. However looking back that was probably a tender mercy provided by the Lord.

Then unexpectedly my own father passed away. He had gotten really sick in December of last year and even though he recovered I had several dreams and inspirations that he would not be with us for much longer. I arranged a trip to Arizona so that I could visit with Kelly and my parents. For some reason my Dad decided that he needed to plan a trip to Las Vegas with some friends to see Jerry Lee Lewis perform. Before my trip I had specifically called my Dad and asked if he was going to be in Arizona and he assured me that he would be. But he wasn’t. I was really hurt and angry because I knew that I would never see my Dad “alive” again.

During the summer while we were caring for Dane’s father all I could think about was how angry I was with my father. I think I unconsciously began waiting for the inevitable phone call. I also wrote a letter to my Dad explaining how I felt and pleading with him to change his ways before it was too late. Looking back I don’t know if my motives were out of love and concern for him or out of anger. This haunts me. I struggle with feelings of resentment that all of my siblings got to spend time with my Dad shortly before he passed away...everyone except me. I had not seen him in over a year. I've always struggled with feeling unworthy and unlovable. Satan has been using this experience to full advantage by making me feel small and inadequate.

Now the summer is gone, two fathers have passed on and both boys seem to have found some steady ground and I am settling into something that passes for normal life. Unfortunately, the waiting I feel myself doing is full of worry. Worrying about what might go wrong next. So when Dane calls and says we need to spend $500 on car maintenance and have to further deplete our meager savings, I find myself not always trusting in Heavenly Father’s goodness the way I want to. Not believing that He gives good gifts to His children.

But even in the midst of niggling doubts and unfounded fears, I recognize God's graciousness to us. I accept that His ways are (thankfully) not our ways. Sometimes His plan looks just how we would want it to, and I stand on my front deck and marvel at life and the beauty around me. And sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes our cars break down so we can show patience and gratitude. Sometimes our kids struggle and we have to help them even if it means them owing us more than two thousand dollars. Sometimes spouses will struggle with mental illness. Sometimes insurance companies don’t pay their contractual obligations. Sometimes kids make stupid choices that have far reaching consequences. Sometimes He has something bigger planned for us. Something we can't see, and may never see or comprehend until we get to the other side of the veil.

But still I have to trust, I have to find a way to simply live without fearing what *might* be ahead. Without worrying about all the things that could go wrong. To trust that Heavenly Father’s hand is there holding us up, even when things feel so normal it's hard to recognize our dependence. To believe, FULLY believe, that Heavenly Father loves giving good gifts to His children. And that He loves all of us with a fierceness that makes our love look so small, so inadequate, that we can't help but fall into His arms in gratitude and adoration.