The last couple of months have been filled with a few things that have made me feel left out. Nothing huge or earth-shattering by any stretch of the imagination, but enough to make me feel a little bit like I’m in fourth grade again and the last one picked for the kickball team. Even though this is different because it has been YEARS since I’ve kicked a big, red rubber ball straight back to the pitcher making myself what is known as an easy out.
(Which only actually happened TWICE, by the way. But, gah, fourth graders are an unforgiving bunch where kickball is concerned.)
And, honestly, I’d like to pretend like I am way too secure and confident to ever feel left out. I’d like to say that I’m a bigger person than that. But apparently I’m not.
Dane and I have this theory that sometimes the hardest thing about being the bigger person in a situation is that no one ever tells you you’re being the bigger person. Which is why we now always make a point to tell each other when we think the other one is being a bigger person. We’ve had several conversations that end with one of us saying, “WELL, let me assure you that YOU are the bigger person”.
Which really has nothing to do with any of this but should rather be viewed as just a side note providing full access into our brand of lunacy.
Anyway, the thing about feeling left out is it turns into some sort of quicksand of self-doubt. What’s wrong with me? Am I not a likable person? Is it because I’m socially awkward? Am I not good enough? Is it because I admit to watching every season of 24. Do people think I’m shallow?
Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and lose my train of thought because I notice a new gray hair which leads to a full evaluation regarding the state of my eyebrows until I realize it’s time for a new episode of Glee.
No way anyone thinks I’m shallow.
So, basically, I’ve been struggling with all these feelings of being inadequate and questioning why things happen the way they do and wondering why I’m not good enough for this or that.
Saturday night I got in bed and couldn’t sleep. Mainly because I forgot to take a Benadryl. I tossed and turned and eventually just decided to get still and hope that sleep would win out at some point. But my mind started racing with all these things that I’ve perceived as slights and I began to get all worked up. All my doubts and fears came flying to the surface until I felt like I wanted to cry.
And at that moment I felt Heavenly Father speak to my heart and say, “You need to quit asking ‘Why?’ and start asking me ‘Where?’”
I knew immediately it was Heavenly Father because I wouldn’t have come up with anything that profound. And I certainly wouldn’t have come up with something that succinct.
I’ve been in a cycle of asking “Why not me?” or “Why me?” or “Why is this so hard?” and it’s time for me to ask “Where would you have me go? Where would you have me serve? Where are you leading me?”
Don’t get me wrong. I think there is a time to ask why. I know people who are facing hard circumstances that are the kinds of things that can only leave them to question why. And I think Heavenly Father understands that, even if we don’t always find out the answer.
But my “Why?” had become a question that had me spiraling down into a pit of self-pity. Which is hard to admit because I’d like to think I’m better than that.
See? I want to be the bigger person.
However, asking “Where?” changes things. It takes the focus off me and what I perceive to be my failures and shortcomings and puts the focus where it belongs. On Heavenly Father. The One who has plans and purposes for me in spite of all my failures and fears. He knows what they are because He made me this way. And when I look to see where He’s leading, I’m too busy to spend a lot of useless time asking why.
Because the why doesn’t really matter as much as the where.
The where is the question that asks, “What am I supposed to be doing?” instead of the why that seems to say, “What am I doing wrong?” I hope that makes sense because it made total sense to me around 2:30 a.m. on Saturday morning. And it still made sense the next day. And it makes sense now even though I feel like I’m not conveying it very well.
I wish I could tie this all up and say I know exactly where I’m headed and what Heavenly Father has in store for me. I don’t. I don’t know any of that right now.
But I do know that I’m asking the right question for the first time in a long time. It’s not about me. It’s about Him.
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2 comments:
I have had many a moment... or months of funk... like this. It's true. A change of outlook can make a big difference. When we don't get what we want it's not Heavenly Father saying,"No." He's saying, "Do you still love me and serve me when the answer is no or when times are hard?"
Hang in there. Things can always get worse, but they always get better too.
Love ya!
Holley, I am glad that you are asking where. Hopefully that where turns into AZ. JUST KIDDING!
I think you make total sense. Too often we do ask why, and we need to ask the where. I am told that in my (pat.blessing) That when I have trials in my life instead of asking why, I need to not frown on them and ask what do I need to learn from this and use it to grow.
I know that so many times things that we go through make us feel so a lone, but you know and I know that is not true. HE is always there for us, we need to just be still and truly hear him.
You are always so much harder on yourself than I think you need to be. You are such an amazing person, trying the best that you can. That is what is asked of us, to try the best that we can and whatever is left he will pick up for us if we need him too. We just need to ask and let him take the reigns. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. I know you will find out where you need be. And you know that there are so many people in your corner cheering you on. I love you.
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