Glub, Glub, Glub

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in the spin cycle - just turning round and round and never really accomplishing very much but getting the ever-living daylights drained out of you? That pretty much sums up my life.

I’m considering putting this ad on Craigslist to help me with my dilemma.

Free to good home: One 19 year old male and One 18 year old male. Hard workers when asked to do something by someone other than MOM, pleasant and civil to everyone but their parents. We pay for shipping.

I’m having issues with Things 1 & 2. Thing 1 thinks he should be allowed to be an adult because he is after all 19. However I always thought an adult was someone who could feed themselves, bath themselves, brush their own teeth, cook for themselves and most importantly PAY for themselves. Thing 1 can do none of those things with any regularity.

Thing 2 has decided to become a Political Expressionist Artist. In other words he paints things with guns or tanks on them and then makes dumb statements like “U.S. Tax Dollars Well Spent.” The thing is he thinks he is so clever…it kills me. Also during one of his political spray paint extravaganzas (known as my art project is due tomorrow or I’ll fail; how do you fail ART?) he ruined the paint job on the front deck.

I’m trying to come up with some new ways to tell Things 1 & 2 that they are STUPID without you know, ruining their delicate psyche and causing them to have deep seeded issues that will necessitate them living with me until they are 60.

Here are a few that I came up with or have heard around. Feel free to leave your versions in the comments section.


1. A few clowns short of a circus 


2. A few peas short of a casserole 


3. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead 


4. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl 


5. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down 


6. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools 


7. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash 


8. Her sewing machine's out of thread 


9. His belt doesn't go through all the loops 


10. No grain in the silo 


11. Receiver is off the hook 


12. Several nuts short of a full pouch 


13. Too much yardage between the goal posts
14. Not the sharpest tool in the shed