Small Regrettable Things

North Carolina can sometimes feel like you are living in the tropics, in a jungle. The night is alive with the vibrations of hundreds of thousands of insects and small animals. They have so many different sounds; the clicking, the rubbing, the creaks and rhythmic squeaking.

In the darkness with that natural symphony performing for me, I sit and think about small regrettable things. I have words I should not have spoken, sharp frowns, unkind eyes. I really try to give my family the best of me, but they also are on the other end of my impatience, my fretfulness, my lack of intention. Most of the time they don’t even notice when I am grumpy and not fully there. Sometimes, like today, there is something small that has crept inside, something that I have to tiptoe into their room to repair.

I sit and think about the heavy sighs I let out and the moments that I felt I was being inconvenienced and how I let everyone know this with my actions.

I think about the words I didn’t say. The words I should have said. The missed opportunities for saying I love you, though one could argue that anytime is a fine time to tell the people around you that you love them.

I think of the moments that passed me by because I was trying do that one last thing on my list and my heart breaks a little.

I am content. I suppose. I have many, many things to be thankful for. More things than I can count. I am not depressed. I am not UNhappy. I have moments where I laugh with my children or my husband until I think my sides will burst. And moments where I am filled with so much love that it has no choice but to escape from my eyes like a safety valve. Though the tears of joy are awfully close to something else. What exactly, I am not sure.

The truth is that sometimes happiness is boring, obstinate, or old, sometimes the simplest things take too long, sometimes beauty is messy and thoughtless. Today I have so many resolves for the days to come. I will open my face and let my family see the love shining in my eyes, I will play more. I will be more thankful, I will laugh. I will bask in the small moments because pretty soon, sooner than I ever thought possible, my boys will be fully grown and launched into the world.

In the morning a thousand birds will bring the jungle of my neighborhood to life in their own way, singing and chirping and shrieking and rustling. I’m so glad that we get so many mornings. There is one for every day. The darkness of the evening covers our regret, but the morning holds a new song, if we will wake up to hear it. One of my favorite quotes from Anne of Green Gables is “Tomorrow is always fresh; with no mistakes in it.”