Yeah...I'll buy all of that. My problem IS that, whether or not I'm trying to please someone, I have trouble saying "no". Those charities clearly have oldest kids in mind when they start to work their voodoo during phone calls asking for donations. Instead of saying, "Can you help us out this year?", they've started ending every pitch with "Can we count on you?".
So...what??? Is my answer to that question supposed to be a negative one? "No, National Fund for Six-Toed Kids Who Lisp and Have Trouble Spelling, I CANNOT be counted upon for a donation. I am NOT A DEPENDABLE PERSON."
And this is why I find myself on the PTA board and the Athletics Booster club at school. PLUS another group devoted to the successful execution of a drug-free/alcohol-free post-graduation party where one of the crazy parents suggested a venue that would cost us $30,000 dollars. Yes I said $30,000…I don’t know what universe she has been living in and how she thinks we are going to fund this idea of hers. I would much rather see any money raised go to helping the library get updated as part of a senior gift or something…
But that's not what this post is about because I've already said "yes" to the two boards and the other...um...thing for the seniors. This is about something else.
When I turned 41 I promised myself that this was the year of saying "no". It was the year that I would accept only the responsibilities I thought I could do well. No more accepting thankless jobs because some other bozo wised up enough to back out or because I thought people would like me better. Yeah...remind me to show you my volunteer resume sometime. I don't think I learned my lesson.
Anyway...last month someone asked me to do something that was W-E-L-L-L-L beyond the scope of my present volunteer job. And she asked me in such a clever way that it sounded as though she was praising my artistic talent and describing something that was SUCH AN OPPORTUNITY for me. Really what she was doing was asking me to do something outside the bounds of my volunteer job. She wanted something for nothing and, if I accepted the job, it would make her look really good. I should say right here that this woman is a paid employee and I....am a volunteer. Anyhoo... I told her that I had a small window of time because school stuff and my own work stuff and Wes would be starting soccer soon and I had other projects and that a lot was going on and that I needed to know what I was being asked to do...and when the deadline was..
Three weeks passed. No word from her.
And then she calls me at home last night...yeah...imagine that. She tells me she needs 45 centerpieces ready for an event that would be held on Saturday. I told her that I had been waiting for her to call and when she didn't, I figured the project had fallen through. I didn't call to follow up on it because I really didn't want to do it. Frankly, I'm tired of doing stuff for free that makes paid people look good. I'm tired of getting empty praise for crap that I do...only if I do it for free.
And I told her "no". If it's so freakin' important, I figure she can treat me like a person whose time is worth something and not some lackey waiting out in the servants' quarters for the Master to call her in for a special foot massage.
Maybe she'll find someone to do her work for her and maybe she won't. It's not my problem. Yeah...it took me a few years, but I finally got some gumption.
Say "no" once in awhile and you'll be amazed how good it feels. Or maybe you already have. Tell me about it. I will admit that I walked around my house last night feeling horribly guilty and practically had to handcuff myself to the furniture to keep from calling her back and telling her I’d do it after all.
4 comments:
Yes, yes, yes!!! Nicely Done Cuz!!!
You would love reading the book, "Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy"....umm yeah so Julie bought it for your mom but I am still "borrowing it".
There is a section titled NOT MY PROBLEM. Its my new favorite phrase. :) Soooo what I'm trying to say is NO NEEd TO FEEl GUILTY! You can't always be bailing people out at the last minute OR they never learn to be responsible or considerate of other people's time. You did your part by callingg her in advance sooo now its not your problem.
OK I'll stop now. I know you already know all of this. As women its just nice to hear the reminder and feel verified.
I am proud of you for not calling back. You go girl!
P.S. I enjoyed the Wes story.
This is a said "yes" story -
I am the youngest - so spoiled I am and among my other problems (my husband calls them "youngest child syndrome" - he happens to be a 2nd child but a 1st son so I think he sort of falls into the first child category as well) I have mastered the NO. And for me, it is kind of a problem because I generally don't do anything I don't want to do - and I'm not busy. See - spoiled. But one time at the kids' elementary school one of their classes was short an Art Vistas Docent (our district's approach to teaching art history and hands on art technique - completely run by volunteers) This was my third child, I'd managed all those other years not to get involved with it. I love art history but hands on art, not my thing - if I can't do it how would I teach little kids..? Anyway, this one year one of the very involved moms cornered me. "We really need someone...I've asked everyone...please..." I said "Why don't you do it..?" Not the thing to say! She was not rude or angry in her reply; she just plainly told me all of the many, many things she was already doing. Yeah it guilted me into it real quick. So I said yes. And it was fine - granted I think part of my youngest child syndrome is looking for attention so when I do dare to say yes - sometimes I end up doing things to greater measure than required thus another reason why I'd much rather say no...(Should I lie down on the couch or something...) but the Art Vistas experience was good, and even fun. I had other parents that helped with the hands on stuff thank goodness. I didn't readily volunteer in the future - only two other years did they "desperately" need someone that I said yes. Part of my "no" technique is to make it perfectly clear way in advance my lack of desire to be involved with certain things, thus hoping no one will ever ask me. I don't know what you call that - avoidance?
WOW I hit 50 and still feel guilty if I even think of the word "NO". I really am going to go look for that book mentioned here.
Great job with the Wes parenting you have every right to open that brag book.
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