I was trying to post another of my grocery shopping experiences because I know how you all want to vicariously live my glamorous life. But when I uploaded I got this message:
403 Forbidden: The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it.
How glamorous can a life be when even the server is refusing to fulfill my requests? He’ll just have to get in line behind Teen 1 and Teen 2…anyone seen the Cat in the Hat lurking around my neighborhood?
A little history on the following letter. I went to the grocery store on Saturday because I needed stuff and I ran into this gentleman.
To the man ahead of me in line at Food Lion Saturday.
Dear Sir:
You have no idea how much I didn’t want to have to go to the grocery store saturday. Saturdays are by far the worst day of the week to grocery shop. All that cart traffic and the fighting in the produce department amongst the celery and the onions makes me very nervous. Not to mention having to fight the temptation to buy a pack of Nestles’ Ultimates and eat the whole thing without putting even one cookie in the oven.
However, I had to go to the store because I was in charge of treats for the youth fireside. Wes had requested chocolate chip congo squares, rice crispy treats and lemon bars. So I did what Martha Stewart would do and went to Food Lion to purchase the pre-made rice crispy treats, the cookie dough in a tube and lemon squares in a box.
Because who has time to melt those marshmallows, mix in the cereal and press it all down with a buttered spatula? Not me. I am already woefully behind on my T.V. viewing from last week and if I’m ever going to get caught up, I certainly can’t spend 4 minutes slaving over a hot stove.
That’s why I was at Food Lion. I quickly filled my cart with the aforementioned items, some Cheez-Its shaped like scrabble tiles for any youth feeling a little more health-conscious, and the always tasty lemon-lime sparkly stuff to wash down all the other sugar. I also threw in chapstick and Family Circle Magazine.
As you can tell from my shopping list, we are a very all-natural, organic, preservative-free household who desires to keep up on the latest decorating trends and one pot cooking recipes.
I believe if Heavenly Father had intended for us to be all natural, He wouldn’t have given us the ability to create hydrogenated soy oil or artificial butter flavoring.
Anyway, I gathered the items on my list as quickly as possible and then headed straight to the EXPRESS checkout line, where I encountered you. It seemed like a safe bet to get in line behind you because you had followed the rules and had only 12 items. Kudos to you.
But imagine my surprise when you had a coupon for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 12 items. Coupons, by the way, that you conveniently forgot you had until after the EXPRESS transaction was completed. And then you pulled them out of your pocket and handed them, one by one, to the cashier as SLOWLY as possible.
I was especially astonished at how long it took you to find your wallet AGAIN to complete your EXPRESS transaction for the second time. But I understand. I mean, after all, who would have thought to look in your back pocket?
My favorite part was the way you stood right at the end of the checkout counter after your transaction was completely finished, and it was finally, mercifully, my turn, and you opened up your Clorox wipes and proceeded to wipe down your hands with them. You were very thorough. Trust me when I say there isn’t an amoeba alive that stood a chance against your tenacity.
I watched you gather up your bagged purchases over your wrists and carry them like some kind of torture device to ensure that the germ-ridden handles wouldn’t touch your well-bleached hands.
And as I followed you out of the store and watched you get into your brand new Cadillac Escalade (parked in handicapped parking, by the way) I was so relieved that you were able to save yourself almost $1.50 on your purchases. It made the 15 minutes I spent waiting in line behind you, totally worth it.
Well done, Sir. Well done.
Regretfully no longer a believer in EXPRESS lanes,
Hollister McGrumperson-Bearitall
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4 comments:
I think that guy lives in Utah too.
I usually go homemade, but after last Sunday with the whole treat thing getting me down, next time I will buy it and call it good.
Hey, I've been behind that guy, too! And his wife.
Wow and I thought I was bad to immediately slather anti-bacterial gel (that is in the pump form located on the driver's side) on my hands once reaching the car. He tops me with actually cleansing his hands before leaving the store.
And as for the coupons....i am sick of hearing about them. Too much effort and they don't have the things that I usually buy. I look for bargains but not coupons. Too much time for such small savings.
Yes, I just commented way too long but its Sunday and I skipped church to listen to poor Cooper hack. I am in the other room trying to ignore it so I don't have a panic attack. (he is fully medicated of course.) SEE YA!
You know I have been the one sitting out in the rain and/or cold waiting for the son of a gun to come out and move so I can get into my real handicapped vehicle. Why, because he parked so that I could not get my wheelchair lift open and I really just want to open it and leave my mark completely down the side of that nice new vehicle!!!
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