LET THEM EAT PEANUT BUTTER!

Who would think a simple observation like “There is no food in this house” could be loaded with gender and age biases.

If you are over 21 and female (at least this is true in my household. The observation may not be accurate for all households) “There is no food in this house” means: Who has eaten all the food I planned to make for dinners this week! I am not going to the grocery store for 3 more days. Get used to peanut butter.

If you are over 21 and male, the above statement means: Wife (implied not stated, gender bias none the less) get thee hence to a grocery store, the kids ate all the food again.

If you are under 21 and male “There is no food in this house” means: There is no junk food I want to eat. We have eaten all the frozen pizzas and snacks that were to last the week in 4 days and further more buying the brand of pizza we don’t like didn’t stop us from eating them all so why not just buy the ones we like. The 3 boxes of cereal are gone. (Note to parents of preteen boys, in the near future one box of cereal no matter the brand or the size =one serving of food.)There is nothing for us to eat unless we cook something.

If you are over 21 and female: "There is always plenty of eggs, dry pasta, boxed mac and cheese, cans of soup, flour, and sugar on hand for those who are truly hungry and have all ready consumed the entire grab and go food purchased for this week and I am not going back to the store for 3 more days and I can’t afford to feed you at the rate you feel you need to be fed."

I’ve actually been thinking of a solution, because I’m a very solution oriented person and I really do love my boys.

Parents set up various savings accounts for the long-term benefit of their kids (or at least that’s what I’ve heard) and to hopefully keep the family from going bankrupt while benefitting the kids. The most common is the 529 college saving plans (me, I slave away at a college and they give me free tuition). We have a flexible spending medical savings account to cover expenses insurance don’t cover such as co-pays and braces and oral surgery. I would like to propose a new savings plan; you with young boys please join me in lobbying congress for approval. Believe me you will need it.

With the rising cost of food it has become prohibitive to keep my teenage sons well fueled. They have informed me that it is because of my draconian control of both the food in the house and the food budget. They claim I am starving them to DEATH and forcing them to use skills that are beneath them, like boiling water for Mac-N-Cheese or slicing an apple to dip in the peanut butter jar.

I informed them, with great sadness I might add, that I can no longer afford their food consumption rates and I will miss them.

To help other families avoid this fate I propose Teen Food Savings Account (TFSA). Parents or others concerned with the child’s future food consumption could donate pretax dollars that would be placed into an FDIC secured account. The monies could be withdrawn using some predetermined complicated rate only an experienced accountant can figure out (thus providing the need for accountants experienced with TFSA…economically stimulating right!) when the oldest child reaches the age of 14 in order to supplement the family food budget.

I hope TFSA’s will save other young people from that tragic fate of my sons who are one step away from being named to the endangered species list.

Let them eat peanut butter!