Dear Menopause,
I admire your persistence. I really do. You’re tenacious, and—generally speaking—I like that in a person. Or syndrome. Whatever. But the way you valiantly infiltrate one part of my life after another despite my attempts to tame you with artificial hormone regulation… well, it’s something to behold. I have to give you that.
The weight war insurgency as you methodically readjust my metabolism is insidious, true, but not unexpected. I don’t like it. All of this additional shopping for pants is annoying. But were you satisfied to stop there? Oh, no. Not you! You had grander plans for me than just THAT!
And so the broken-internal-thermostat issue has also been intensifying over time. Which is especially lovely when one never knows what pants to wear.
And it couldn’t just be that I’m always too hot or too cold, either. Nope! That would be TOO EASY! Instead I’ve become a thermostatic Goldilocks. In the evenings I shiver on the couch next to my husband until he asks me if I’m feeling okay or until—out of nowhere—a hot flash swoops in with immediate vengeance, and I have to all but strip naked to withstand the sudden onslaught. In the summer I become faint and dizzy in extreme heat despite my noticeable lack of too-tight corset strings or propensity to eat turnips during difficult times. A dip in the pool will rescue me for approximately thirty seconds, until I find myself shivering with the cold of it. Lather, rinse, repeat.
At least I can rest assured knowing that whatever temperature I’m suffering through at the moment, chances are it will swing the other way in a few minutes if I just wait.
The changes in my skin are likewise simply charming. I mean, really, WHO KNEW I could have BOTH wrinkles and acne at the same time? How was I to even dream of the day when the zits would nestle right up against my newly parched and puckering skin around my mouth? Well played, madam. Very dramatic.
But this latest move is truly the crown jewel to top all others, I am certain. I mean, other symptoms have come and gone while my hormone dosage was adjusted, it’s true. But by all accounts my current dosage is “stable” and “therapeutic” and yet here I am with that problem I remember most keenly from those early post-surgical hormone rollercoaster days:
I cannot sleep.
Maybe you’ll be so sly as to try to pin it on something else—stress, perhaps—but this baby has your fingerprints ALL OVER IT. I am (was) a champion sleeper. I can (could) outsleep anyone, any time. Until now. Now I lie awake at night with only my hot flashes to keep me company. And despite having endured this late-to-drop-off, early-to-pop-awake heck for nearly a week, now, I also cannot nap. Furthermore: I’m mean as a snake. We all know who brings THAT particular party to the table.
I’m looking at you, Menopause. I’m on to you. I get it—you won’t be ignored, and I have no pet rabbit for you to stew to make your point. Hormones or no, you’re here to stay. I GET IT. How about we call a truce? You let me get some rest and chill out, and my family and I will thank you. Heck, go ahead and sprout a couple more of those black hairs from my chin, instead, maybe. I’ve got tweezers handy.
But this “pondering the miracle of womanhood” thing at 3:00 a.m. is getting very, very old. Stop being so MEAN!
Yours (whether I want to be or not),
Holley McGrumperson-Bear-It-Not
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Oh My Gosh!! I cannot stop laughing!! You have hit the nail so directly in the middle that it isn't even funny. Your ability to put into words the feelings that I only wish I was able to express in writing instead of actions. I could definitely keep you company at 3:00 a.m. and we could compare notes on where the MEAN is coming from. Really thought about investing in one of those mens little travel razors to get rid of the mass of jet black (couldn't be any light color and not as noticable color) hairs that are taking over my chin and neck area. When you get around to writing that book please keep me in mind as I definitely want a copy of it. You have such a way with words. Hope your holidays were blessed with a wonderful New Year.
Oh I feel so bad for you. i know that it is only around the corner for me. You can give me a call at 3:00 a.m. I am usually awake, not because of menopause but because of stress. Hang in there you'll make it through it. p.s thank you for the coloring books for the kids. They loved them, in fact I think they already colored all the pages. I taped Ireland and Beau singing christmas songs just for you, and telling you thank you, but I can't get them to post on my blog. I'll keep trying to get it to work!
Are you sure your not pregnant ha ha. I have similar issues and a bulging belly to boot. The nice thing I get a really nice end to it all. I really do hope you can come out to see the baby, she would love a little alone time with Aunt Holley.
Post a Comment