The Bank of Mom

In the real world, if you borrow money, you are expected to pay it back, usually with interest. I know of which I speak as I live in the real world, carry a mortgage, car payments etc. I do not like collection agencies, so I tend to avoid them by paying the bills. Our children are a different story. They don’t live in the real world. They prefer to take out loans from the Bank of MOM (BOM).

The Bank of MOM‘s loan application procedure is far simpler than that of a real world bank. Instead of reams of paperwork to fill out, BOM will accept a polite verbal request and a promise of repayment.

A typical loan application will sound something like this: “Mom, can I borrow ten dollars please. I will pay you back when I get paid next Friday”.

The loan officer at BOM is often distracted by other bank business transactions (like getting Grandpa’s grocery list for the week and matching that up with coupons) that she usually doesn’t carefully go over the terms of repayment with the borrower before releasing the requested funds.

Note loan officer trainee: Next Friday, like tomorrow never comes. By the time it is next Friday, it is now this Friday. Be careful to watch for this loophole (especially if the loan application is made while you are on the phone, in the bathroom or trying to get to work on time). Ask for a specific repayment date as in Friday the 21st.

In the real world, the amount of funds released to the borrower is the amount of funds that is to be remitted to the bank + interest. The BOM operates on an altered business plan. The following is a typical BOM repayment schedule. Some BOM’s have stricter and more effective collection departments than others.

Amount borrowed / Expected Repayment amount In dollars

$1-$5 / Nothing. Borrower perceives this amount
as a gift from BOM for being born.

$6-$10 / 50 to 100% if loan officer is persistent
Or threatens extra household chores.

$11-$19 / 0 – 100% Loan officer should demand
collateral for a loan of this amount. Anticipate borrowers to be indignant at the expectation of repayment. Hardcore defaulters may accuse loan officer of not loving them. Unfortunately this tactic is very effecting in getting some loan officer to forgive the debt, especially when the loan office ran out of time to make borrower’s birthday cake, making repayment unnecessary.

$20+ / Lend only if repayment is not expected. These are high-risk loans to make.





If a child applies to a BOM officer to help purchase a car from the real world, consider this request carefully. There is a 75% chance BOM will NEVER see that money again! Use caution when asked for small denominations to provide gas and insurance for said car that has not been paid for at the Bank of Mom!

Finally, as a BOM loan officer, keep our mission statement in mind: BOM exists to help its borrowers to mature into responsible adults. We believe this policy will yield the greatest long-term benefit to both our borrowers and to our board of directors. Please keep this objective in mind when mapping out your individual BOM loan policies.

As a special Christmas bonus to our customers this year, BOM customers stockings will not be filled with the usual gift cards, candy and silly toys, they will instead get a statement of their loan activity with a special note that all “LOANS” have been forgiven. It will be printed on festive holiday themed paper with candy canes printed on it.

Who knew Christmas shopping was going to be so easy this year! That officially means my shopping is done. One stop, Office Max for festive holiday BANK STATEMENT paper!