Can you Hear me now?

Saturday I had to go to the doctor because my right ear has been stopped up for a sweet forever, and I finally decided that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life shouting, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Even though I’m convinced that it is my ears defense mechanism for dealing with teenagers. The only advantage to my hearing loss is that if I slept on my left side, I couldn’t hear a blessed thing in my right ear and as a result could sleep soundly through all manner of minor and major natural/unnatural disasters.

Because as it turns out, if your ear is reallllly stopped up, a small thunderstorm in the middle of your bedroom is of little to no consequence aside from the fact that your furniture probably won’t fare very well. Because of all the rain and whatnot.

So I went to see Urgent Care and said hey, I feel fine, but it’s the funniest thing because I really can’t hear very well in my right ear. So of course the receptionist said to fill out a form and have a seat in the EMPTY waiting room. As any of you who have ever been to an Urgent Care, you know that an Empty waiting room is a good sign… it means you have a slim chance of getting out of the facility before sunset.

In all honesty I didn’t even mind the fact that I had to go to the doctor because I knew that it guaranteed a certain span of time in which I would be all alone. Never you mind that the majority of that alone time would be spent with someone trying to pry impacted wax from my ear canal. I’ll take my quiet where I can get it, thankyouverymuch.

So after spending about forty five minutes reading back issues of Ladies’ Home Journal in the waiting room (heaven on earth, I tell you), I was escorted to an examination room, where, thanks to the Urgent Care’s fancy audio set-up, I enjoyed the soothing sounds of Seal and TLC.
And then the nurse came into the room to do all of that Vital sign collection and asked me some questions that I couldn’t really hear, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” and so she decided maybe she should take a look at the ear in question.

She looked at it for about two seconds and then said, “Yeah. I’m gonna need to clean that out before the doctor can assess the situation. So she got these really nasty smelling drops and a hot towel and proceeded to fill my right ear up with some sort of oil.
Remember, friends: don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

Sadly, when the physician’s assistant came back in the room and interrupted the moment of introspection I was sharing with T-Boz, Chili and Left Eye (God rest her soul). She took a look at my right ear and her first words were, “So, I think this is going to be more involved that I originally thought?”

I couldn’t help but feel that the news wasn’t good.

And I won’t go into too much detail because I realize that many of you have recently eaten breakfast, but she had to use, um, POINTY STEEL THINGS in order to remove the impaction. And then she had to CUT IT WITH SCISSORS because she couldn’t get it out of my ear.
You see, IT WAS TOO BIG TO COME OUT OF MY EAR IN ONE PIECE.

And that was just the right side, my friends.

So I did what any good Mormon girl would do: I apologized that she was having to clean out my ear. EVEN THOUGH I WAS PAYING FOR IT.

If I could adequately describe what transpired over the next five minutes I would, but quite frankly I’m not up to the challenge. I can tell you that there was a great deal of suctioning and at least three very thin, very pointy needle-type instruments. Not to mention lots of pressure. And pain. And painful pressure.

I was pretty grossed out and I was determined that I was not going to look at whatever came out of my ear, no way in this world, but when push came to shove I just couldn’t help it.

Curiosity got the better of me, and not only did I look, I COULD NOT TURN AWAY FROM IT.

Some minutes later, when I finally regained my composure, I asked the PA how in the sam hill that THING ended up in my ear, and she said that it’s because I have unusually small ear canals.

It was a bittersweet moment, mainly because I have spent the better part of forty years wishing that something, anything about me would be considered “unusually small.” I would love to have “unusually small” thighs, or “unusually small” upper arms, or “unusually small” stomach flab.

But instead, I have “unusually small” ear canals.

Needless to say, I am underwhelmed with delight.

The good news, however, is that I can now hear better than I have in years. I had to turn down the volume on my cell phone, and didn’t have to worry that I needed hearing aids while watching TV with the family all night long. I did consider finding a way to have that PA use the same technique on my husband as he wanted the volume up high enough that I thought the sound would shatter my newly cleaned eardrums. I’m also considering applying to the CIA as a covert human listening device.

I’m JUST LIKE the Bionic Woman, y’all (Remember that’s North Carolinian for YOU ALL). Or at least I would be if I actually had any bionic powers.

Unfortunately, it seems that the only superhuman power I have is to produce massively sized ear impactions.

And the demand for such a skill is understandably nonexistent.

So how was your weekend? Did you discover any hidden talents?