Grocery Shopping... It's whats wrong with my life!

The earth is inhabited by two kinds of people: Those who love to go to the grocery store (like my dad who turns it into a 4 hour pleasure cruise) and then the other 98% of the population — those who have a life. Until my kids came along, I was among the 2% who rank a trip to the grocery store right up there with a day at Six Flags. Lately, however, going to the store is more like going to a friend’s Tupperware party — you are obligated to go, you’re looking for the cheapest thing to buy and you hope you don’t have to go again for a long time.

Once upon a time, my weekly visit to the store was a serendipitous adventure. I would peruse the weekly store flyers and match them up with my coupons. It was a game to see just how much money I could save. My husband would even give me special kisses for every $5 I could cut from the bill ;-)

What I’m trying to say is that I felt safe and loved at the supermarket. I loved Alpha Beta and Albertsons or Kroegers and I still like going to Harris-Teeters during their big bogo sales.

I can't say that I go to Wal-Mart to feel safe, as a matter of fact, I've been there at the same time as the SWAT Team, but, you gotta do what you gotta do to get Corn and Black Bean Salsa for the preppy, pretentious crowd of people I work with.

Yes, I know you never go to Wal-Mart, but, seriously, the salsa is quite good, and, Kevlar comes in so many fashion choices these days.

At any rate, now that I have teenagers who consume twice their body weight in food on a daily basis, I’ve had to quit going to the fancy stores. Wal-Mart is really the only way I can afford to keep Brien fed. If Wal-Mart were a t.v. character, the closest one I could think of would be Al Bundy – convenient, cheap, annoying. The truth is, I have a love-hate relationship with Wal-Mart. I hate how they dominate the retail landscape. I hate how they wipe out the small mom-and-pop businesses when they come to town. I love that they are a short drive away and that there is one close to home and work. And most of all, I love the entertaining study in humanity that is Wal-Mart — almost as good as the airport, only with more local flavor.

Aside from where I shop, how I shop has changed as well. Where shopping once was a leisurely exercise, like golf only with more physical and mental exertion, it’s now a study in ergonomics and economy of motion. The goal of every trip is to maximize the shopping that needs to be done within the time restraints of my hormonal disposition on any given day. No wasted motion, no wasted effort, no wasted time. Not even a second glance towards the beloved imported cheeses. I remember how, in my previous life, I used to see women in flip-flops, running through the store like spooked race horses that had somehow gotten out, pushing carts laden with children and macaroni and cheese, taking corners on two wheels. And I would think to myself: “They should really slow down and stop and smell the cilantro — life is short.” (Apparently I also had more time to wax philosophic.) What I didn’t know, until now, is that no one with a toddler buys cilantro and yes, life is short, but a toddler’s cart-tolerance is even shorter and death is only a slightly less attractive an option than a toddler melt-down. Secondly that you never want to peruse the store with teenagers in tow because you end up with at least $40 worth of stuff you didn’t know you were buying until you get home which negates the savings of shopping at Wal-Mart in the first place.

Before I had teenagers there were no daily emergency trips to the grocery store. I could buy a gallon of milk and it would last for a week. I consulted flyers and coupons, I made a list and I would set out on my food finding adventure. If I were out of, say, cheese, it could wait until next week. These days, it seems that I am at Wal-Mart just about every day for some emergency item, like chocolate. I realized this recently when the greeter, who knows me by name, calls to me as I’m pushing my over-the-legal-weight-limit cart out the door. “Nice flip-flops, but shouldn’t you be wearing shoes honey, it is winter,” she says with a knowing look and a wink, “See ‘ya tomorrow.” I felt so cheap and tawdry! As if no other grocery store would have me! Those other stores love me they even gave me an MVP card because I’m one of their most beloved patrons, the problem is that even my MVP savings don’t add up to the savings I get from Wal-Mart and when you are feeding teens every penny saved is more food for the hungry beasts! I hate grocery shopping!