I’m on a quest to find a Nativity Set that I like that doesn’t cost $500. You see I had one that my mom gave me when I first got married and it was really nice but not overly expensive. Unfortunately it was broken in one of our moves. So now that I have a nice new home and a really nice living room table to display it, I’m yearning for another Nativity set. How on earth do you expect me to find my Christmas Spirit if I don’t have a proper Nativity set? So off I went to Wal-Mart in search of my Christmas spirit because everyone knows that you can find anything at Walmart and it will be much cheaper than anywhere else.
If you’ve ever been to a Wal-Mart - and I suspect you have if you are still reading - you’ve probably wondered why on earth they make the Christmas aisles so dang narrow? Are they not aware that their customers are by and large (pun intended) super-sizers? My suspicion is that the guys who man the security cameras are also the ones who set up the aisles and they are just hoping some sort of incident will break out, some sort of electric cart lady vs. crazed over-tired mother of a teenager incident. That would make some good YouTube.
And so.
I found myself wearing Wal-Mart athletic wear in the Wal-Mart holiday department. And I knew right then that nothing good would come of this.
I make a right turn down the blue/white ornament aisle and I notice that there is a sizeable lady in her electric cart taking up more aisle than would allow me to pass with or without a cart. So I kind of stand there for a minute and attempt to look beyond her to see if I really even want to be in the blue/white row.
I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be in the blue/white row because I’ve been in the blue/white row almost every day this week. I guess I think the stockers put the good stuff out after I leave. But they don’t. It’s the same blue/white crap that they put out in September, but a fresh supply of blue/white crap. But what I think it demonstrates to y’all (that’s North Carolinian for you all) is how hopeful I am. I am a person with hope. A person who hopes to discover the mother lode of fresh blue/white sparkly plastic crap that Wal-Mart has been holding out on us, along with an inexpensive yet uncheesy Nativity Set.
As I’m standing there looking beyond electric cart lady, I notice that her head looks like a pea perched atop a sack of flour. She can’t turn her head, so she just turns her eyes. She sighs at me and gives me this “Do you mind?” look, as though I were trying to read a newspaper over her shoulder. Apparently I didn’t see the Do Not Disturb sign on the blue/white aisle. I give her my “No problemo!” smile and baby step back out of the aisle. I am in the Christmas spirit. God rest ye merry electric cart ladies!”
No problem is right. There is more crap from whence the blue/white crap came just one aisle over. I head for the red/green or hot pink/lime or silver/white or wooden/country aisle because I’m all patient and easy going like that and it’s the holiday season! Somebody get that electric cart lady some figgy pudding!
As I’m standing in the country ornament aisle looking at the fabulous array of tacky beautiful foreign factory made hand-crafted ornaments that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, I hear the hum of electric cart lady coming down “my” aisle. She pulls her cart within inches of my knee. And she stares at me. She clears her throat. I look at her expectantly thinking perhaps she wants me to reach something for her. “Can you move? I need to get through,” she says in a voice that sounds eerily like Beevis and I would know because Dane delights in doing Beevis and Butthead imitations much to my displeasure.
I respond by saying:
a) That thing got a reverse on it?
b) Your point is?
c) You’re not the boss of me.
d) I’d like to see you get off that thing and make me.
Because I fear being featured on YouTube if I get into a fight with an electric cart lady in the Wal-Mart holiday department, I instead say, “Oh, I’m sorry, just let me grab this Nativity set and I’ll be out of your way.” I walk away muttering trying to locate a place to stash the ugly nativity set that I have no intention of buying.
Sometimes I wish I had not been brought up with such good manners.
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8 comments:
That is hilarious! Thanks as always for your blog, I look forward to reading it every day! Good luck on the navtivity hunt...the one we have was given to us by my parents too and I love it!
See what I mean? This is further proof for me that the christmas spirit is dead on an aisle in walmart, stomped over by overeager wii-searching customers and super fat women on motorized carts who if they would just diet they could probably use their joints again. Poor christmas spirit, we loved ye when we knew ye.
Well, thank you for giving me a glimpse into what madess I will face at Wal-Mart. I better make sure I go there on a day I am feeling "extra" nice.
Ok...too funny and I totally agree with you about the aisles being way too small. I tried to find a few things myself at walmart and it was like bumper carts. But alas we all get through it and really Christmas is fun if you concentrate on what matters...right?
Why is it that I hate the Wal-mart experience so much but yet I find myself there again? I believe your story demonstrates my point perfectly.
I am sorry but I am getting really frustrated with society now days. People did used to be so much more nicer. And now because it is getting worse I am finding that they make me so upset that I am stooping to their level. Of course under my breath and as I am walking away from them because I too am to nice and was brought up like you. Love ya, thanks for the laugh.
Funny story. I usually get treated nicer than that, but I think it's because people feel sorry for me dragging three children around. I too was raised like you, but I do remember the cognitive dissonance that came from having our parents be on total opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to the treatment of those who upset us. Just the other day Sean was saying if he ever met a certain person in an alleyway he'd kick his you know what. From Dad's hospital bed he says, yeah! That's what I like to hear.
Haha! That is a terrible experience that became hilarious through your re-telling. I Love It!
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