As I told you earlier, I'm not actually going to jail! But now we need to have a talk about geneology. I always knew there was something peculiar about me. Not the least of which is my platypus flipper feet and my poodle hair, but now I'm growing horns!!!
My nighttime routine consists of washing my face and brushing, flossing and mouth washing (I'm protecting your thousands of dollars investment in my teeth...you're welcome). You know how when you're brushing your teeth there is nothing to do but examine all of the flaws in your face. Well I did that and I saw the usual laugh lines, pock marks from that bad case of the chicken pox I had when I was 13 and the hole in my nose...all the usual suspects. This isn’t OCD. It’s just part of being a girl. With OCD. So, last night this is what I was doing. I checked it carefully and it was normal and then this morning I woke up and found a three inch white hair growing out of the center of my forehead.
That's right you read that correctly...a THREE INCH white hair.
It was totally not there yesterday and today it’s there. So I started to think that maybe Dane glued it onto my forehead in the middle of the night just because I beat him at Quirkle, but I don’t want to ask him about it because THERE IS A THREE INCH HAIR GROWING OUT OF MY FACE AND THAT IS NOT SEXY. So I pull it out with tweezers and I go to look on the internet for “fast-growing white hair” and it turns out that there are lots of message boards (lots = more than two. Specifically, three.) about people who woke up with long white hairs growing out of them and about half are growing out of the middle of their foreheads. Which is a really weird coincidence. So I start wondering if they are part of our family tree somehow. Also, how come none of your other children have platypus flipper feet and poodle hair. Why were those particular chromosomes passed onto me? It really is true you make all of the mistakes on your FIRST child!
And, yes, I remember Great-Grandma Thomas having those old-lady chin hairs but this is not that, let me assure you. It’s a giant, white hair growing out of the center of my forehead. And then I started thinking that horns are made out of the same thing that fingernails and hair are made of and maybe this is just the way I turn into a unicorn. So it was probably just a very limp unicorn horn. The bad news is that I freaked out and plucked it before documenting it in a picture but the good news is that according to these message boards these white alien hairs frequently come back out of nowhere so if it happens again I’ll totally take a picture of it. I'll fluff my poodle fur up and get a full profile picture that features my horn, my fur and my flippers! Maybe I should join the circus. How much do you think people would pay to see a platypoodlecorn?
Susie...you have some 'splainen to do!
Love your freakishly weird daughter!
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