Hi Mom,I hope you are doing well. We miss you! I think the trauma of finding out last week that I was part unicorn is causing my insomnia to flare up.
Yesterday Brien was thinking up names for a business venture. He's taking some business courses in addition to the culinary stuff to round out his skills and make him more marketable after he graduates in August. Something like “Quality-Kitchen-Buzzword-Blah-Blah.” I don’t really know because I got bored and stopped listening (my nomination for mother of the year is pending). Instead I decided to help him out by coming up with some much more exciting names for his dangerously boring sounding new business.
me: How about…Dragonfire BBQ!
Brien: No.
me: The Dark Forces of Narnia Buffet and Jazz Club
Brien: Mom! That’s not even a real thing.
me: Unicorn Success Club!
Brien: What?
me: It’s for people who are successful and who like unicorns or are turning into a unicorn. Did I tell you about my unicorn horn? OR for successful unicorns. I’ve just doubled your market.
Brien: Huh? NO!
me: Are you kidding me? Because if you aren’t going to use “Unicorn Success Club” I am.
Brien: For what?
me: FOR UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB, that’s what. It’s for everyone in the world who’s confident enough to be in something called “Unicorn Success Club.” It meets the first week of Awesome. Our team mascot is a cougar.
Brien: What? You’d think it would be a unicorn and you are stealing from BYU.
me: Nope. Too obvious. It’s a cougar RIDING A UNICORN. But not by force. They’re friends and they work together for justice. BYU has never had a cougar riding a unicorn. I'm going to copyright that. Can you imagine getting attacked by a cougar...
Brien: I feel like I’m already there.
Me: Then? Imagine that it’s a cougar riding a unicorn of justice.
Brien: Right! You should make it breathe fire!
me: Don’t be ridiculous. Fire-breathing cougars don’t exist. Plus, they’d singe the unicorns. That is a terrible idea. You are out of Unicorn Success Club. Better watch out or your going to fail your business class with ideas like that.
Brien: I was never in Unicorn Success Club.
me: Everyone is in Unicorn Success Club…until they get thrown out. These are the rules of Unicorn Success Club.
Brien: So I got kicked out for having a bad idea? That’s pretty harsh.
me: No, you’re just suspended for two weeks for endangering the unicorns. If anything I’m being too lenient. But you can get back in early by doing something ridiculously awesome. Like rescuing lemurs, or describing Blue Man Group shows to the blind, you're a musician, that should be easy for you. Or similar. Whatever. We’re pretty flexible in Unicorn Success Club.
Brien: Mom? I’ll just wait my two weeks. Or forever. I’m leaning toward forever.
me: And that results in a three week suspension. Waiting rather than doing something awesome just adds to your time.
Brien: Fine. I’ll make up my own club. It’ll be Chef-A-RAMA 3000. Our mascot is like the Pillsbury Dough Boy with a bear’s head. Like a centaur, but with a bear and a doughy body. Filled with righteous fury.
me: That’s actually not bad...now you're thinking outside the oven. Bonus points for creativity. You are back in Unicorn Success Club, and you just became a candidate for the Double Unicorn Success Club!
Brien: I already regret asking this, but…
me: It’s a unicorn with two horns. A double unicorn. Twice as awesome. Looks like a big, deformed goat. Made of awesome. Still being ridden by a cougar. AN INVISIBLE COUGAR. Because they’re the most dangerous.
Brien: Mom, wouldn't that be an Antelope?
And then I stopped talking because apparently Brien needed a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn. (Hint: It’s imponderable.) And he needed a time-out for even suggesting that a Double Unicorn could possibly be an Antelope! Can you give a 22-year old a time out?
And that’s when I realized that I might need to get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at night, but also that my son and I were destined to go into business together because there really isn’t anyone else weird enough help run Double Unicorn Success Club with me. And that's when I knew with absolute certainty that there was no mix-up at the hospital. Brien IS MY SON!
PS. Mom, as a result of actually finishing this post you are now an official member of Unicorn Success Club. Oh and you win a blueberry muffin...oh wait, it should be a pineapple upside down muffin (are those real or did I just make up a new recipe) baked by Brien the originator of Chef-A-Rama 3000! Now we just have to figure out how to mail it to Hawaii!
Love you Mom! Brien says hello and thank you for the Valentine's Card!
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