The Revised Ten Commandments of Parenting Teens

Last week I was feeling all mushy about my kids and reliving memories of them as little boys. It’s funny how when they became teens they morphed into people for whom, on any given day, "Hello, how are you?" might be too personal a question. The past couple of weeks we’ve been experiencing some growing pains so I decided that it was time to update the Ten Commandments for Parenting Teens. The older commandments still apply especially if your teens are not driving yet. These are the ones that currently apply in my household.

1 - Thou shalt not make small talk in the Church foyer with thou’s visiting teaching companion, who just happens to be the mother of teen’s object of affection, for this shall affect the teens reputation in a negative way.

2 - Thou shalt remember that now that teen has own transportation thou art only an ATM machine and part-time snack vendor; any other attempts at relevancy shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.

3 - Thou shalt be seen (but only for a minute) and not heard in thou’s home whenever guest teens are present unless guest teen engages you first in conversation and even then thou shalt limit responses to monosyllabic answers and grunts. Any attempt at “meaningful” conversation with guest teen will designate thou as “WEIRD” and shall affect resident teens reputation in a negative way.

4 - Thou shalt not covet thine own radio station or CDs when teen deigns to ride in thou’s vehicle for anyone driving by might here thou’s “My Turn on Earth” cd playing even though thou’s windows are up and thou only listens to said music at a level 3 which is 10 times lower than teens preferred decibel level for that shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.

5 - Thou shalt not ask if any of your personal laundry got mixed up with teens clothes when teen was asked to rotate the laundry loads regardless of the fact that all husband’s brand-new dark work socks are missing for that shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.

6 - Thou has no right to ask teen to clean-up their room now that teen is almost 19 even though thou cannot breath due to the stench permeating the rest of the house for this shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way. Ironically calling Hazmat to deal with the situation would be preferable to thou communicating directly with teen and jeopardizing teen’s reputation in a negative way.

7 - Thou shalt cut up membership card to thou’s favorite video store and never darken the doorway again once teen becomes an employee for this shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.

8 - Thou shalt not ask to see any of teen’s college recruitment information for said information was sent directly to teen. For this shall affect teen’s reputation in a negative way. However if teen misses an information or application deadline thou shalt accept full blame so that teen’s reputation is not affected in a negative way.

9 - Thou shalt not commiserate with teen when teen is complaining about a bad day at work because thou does not now, nor will thou ever understand teens situation and any attempt at understanding will affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.

10 - Thou shalt never TEXT teen on the cell phone that thou pays for because teen might have loaned cell phone to a friend and a text from MOM shall affect the teen’s reputation in a negative way.