So Southern It's Inspired a Contest!

A couple of weeks ago my ward was split. I was assigned to the newly created ward, Burlington 3rd Ward. Along with all of the new callings that have to get made so that our ward can function properly, I was assigned a new visiting teaching route and a new companion.

Living in the South is so different from any other place in the country. I think I may have mentioned some of the peculiarities to y’all (remember that’s North Carolinian for you all) before. However when you combine Southern with Mormon culture, you get a whole new bucket of crazy!

Last Sunday I found my new companion and went up to her to talk about the sisters on our route and when was the best time for her to go. Sister Martha Rae Belton is the most Southern/Mormon woman I have have ever met. I suggested we try and get some appointments for Wednesday evening after I got off work.

Martha replied - AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP - that unfortunately Wednesday won’t work for her because that’s the day she’s planning to take her recently widowed friend Rubena to eat fried catfish at the church.

I’ll pause for just a second so that you can really soak up that last sentence.

There’s a whole lot of Southern in there, my friends.

And I have laughed my head off for the past two days as a result. Because you see, the “Church” in question is not our Ward building, it is the Baptist church around the corner from her home where they go and eat every Wednesday night because Seniors eat for free and they make the best hush puppies. Martha & Rebena just don't do well without their weekly dose of hush puppy goodness.

Really, y’all, I almost feel like Martha has laid down some sort of gauntlet in terms of Terribly Southern Ways To Decline An Invitation and Avoid Doing Visiting Teaching! The truly funny thing is she had one of these excuses for every day this week!

And, as any good Southern girl would do, I’ve spent a good bit of time trying to rise to Martha’s unintended challenge.

So here are a few of my own, though I think it’s pretty clear that I have a lot to learn from my new companion and for those of you playing at home, you can preface each one of my polite refusals with this phrase:

Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

- have to make mint juleps for the Kentucky Derby party.

- have to wash Bubba’s clothes for the tractor pull.

- have to polish my silver service before the DOC’s (Daughters of the Confederacy) tea. (There truly is a DOC chapter in my area!!!)

- have to bake a pound cake for my neighbor’s nephew’s ex-wife’s cousin who’s having a terrible time with her bursitis.

- have to stock up on real butter for Paula Deen Theme Night at our supper club.

- have to get the crepe myrtles pruned before the Southern Living photo shoot.

- have to get my hair fixed before I go to the Winn Dixie (OH WAIT, MARTHA ALREADY DOES THAT).

I could go on and on. But I won’t, because I want to hear from y’all.

Now granted, Martha may have taken the grand prize what with working a recently widowed friend, fried catfish and a church into hers (it’s like a Southern etiquette trifecta, really), so we’ll just consider her the standard-bearer and have ourselves a little contest.

So if you’re a Southern girl - or even just an observer of the South - come up with what you think is the epitome of a polite refusal, Southern style. Make up as many as you want. If I’m going to continue living in the South… and it looks like I’m going to be here for a while longer… I need some ammunition.

The person who comes up with the best one will get some Southern gift. that is yet to be determined, mailed directly to her home by ME.

Ready, set, GO!