Lately I have been examining my life in general. It isn't that I feel old per se, I don't. It is just the realization that there are certain choices I have made, certain things that I have done or not done, that have dictated the way my life is now. And that most of these things can not be undone. There are things that I will never do or grow up to be. The possibilities are no longer endless.
The path that I have chosen has closed off other paths.
I will never be a firefighter. Not sure why this one popped into my head, but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I was using the microwave in the breakroom at work. Mice had chewed through the cord and it started sparking and smoking all of a sudden. Nothing like almost starting a fire to give you some perspective.
I will never be a doctor, or a lawyer, or anything else that requires me going back to school for many years because, well, while I enjoy taking classes and getting an education, I don’t like school very much. I keep thinking that I eventually want to get my degree, but then I’d have to settle on what that degree would be. So a class here and there kind of suits me right now.
I will never have perfect cavity free teeth.
I will never be cellulite, wrinkle, or grey hair free.
I will never backpack around Europe staying in hostels and trying to eat off of only $2 a day, collecting stamps in my passport the way other people collect Precious Moments figurines. Because in my spoiled old age I require the luxury of clean linens and having a bathroom in my room. And doing it that way requires money that I don’t have or that has to go for more important things and people.
I will never fall in love for the first time again.
I will never have that feeling of my entire life stretched out before me with endless possibilities. Just waiting for it all to unfurl before me.
Two things happened recently. I work with someone who is pregnant with her first child. She has that glow that people talk about, the one that is only visible on *other* women, never on yourself as you look up in the bathroom mirror after spending the entire morning vomiting up your ginger ale and saltines. When I talk with her sometimes I feel jealous; not jealous because I want to be pregnant. Nope, been there, done that, have the stretch marks, thankyouverymuch. No, jealous because she is experiencing it all for the very first time. The birth of a mother only happens once.
Then I was talking to my student worker who leaves next week for study abroad in London and graduates in December. I asked what sort of plans she has. And she replied that she wanted to travel and see as many places in the world as she could possibly see before she settled down in any one place. And I felt jealous. That was the path I had intended to walk on. But somewhere between here and there I got sidetracked. By a husband. By children. By life. There will always be time I would say.
But I just discovered that while I am constantly looking forward to the things that will be one day and by looking back at the things that might have been, that I am not paying very much attention to the here and now. Days slip by, lived but with no purpose other than to get through them to get to the next day. And then to get through that one.
I muddle along. Trying to make peace with the life imagined and the one chosen, and wondering when they will meet.
And I realize that life is sort of like this post. I start off writing about how funny it is that I almost set my breakroom on fire and end up writing a maudlin examination of my life.
As I examine my life, I find that while I know I’m doing the right thing loving, caring for and supporting my family, I can’t help but long for something a little unexpected to come my way. I think I need a vacation, but with a son about to enter college (the college where I work so that he can get free tuition) and a husband out of work, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. So vacations will have to wait. I have work to do and I must soldier on stringing my endless monotony of a life together like popcorn garland on a Christmas tree.
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5 comments:
Holley, You do need a vacation. I need visitors. So since I made the trek out there I think it is only fare that you make the trek out here. Baylee needs a Aunt Holley fix. We can go to all the museums down town that I want to see. We can go to movies that My husband won't want to see. We can sip red cream sodas and have big sugar cookies with pink frosting. Shhhh, we won't tell anyone. Tell me when you have your flight and I will be there at the airport to pick you up.
Holley, you need to read "The Last Lecture". It is all about achieving your childhood dreams. I have thought a lot about that since I read the book and I have come very close. Most of my dreams were centered on seeing neat places, I have done that. I wanted to see lots of broadway shows, I've done that too. I feel blessed that so many of my dreams have been realized, but there is still more dreaming to be had. You can't stop no matter what. You will find a way to accomplish what you want if you keep dreaming. Get the book, it is worth the read.
I can see exactly what you mean. I don't have any regrets, but I know there will never be those sweet, first-time moments ever again. All the fun stuff has to be pushed aside for the more practical.
And what is this about your husband being out of work? You really do bear the weight of the world right now. I hope you can find some peace somewhere.
As for the mouse chewing through the microwave cord, that's funny. I have a picture in my head and I am all smiles.
I'm glad you didn't become a firefighter, or a doctor. And I'm pretty sure Dane, Brien and Wes feel the same.
Ummmm....I'm pretty sure you're having a midlife crisis right now AND it is perfectly normal. KIDDING. I personally thing traveling is overrated. I wanted to be a travel nurse before settling down. So GLAD that I didn't do that. I would have ended up in a hospital that is short nurses for all the wrong reasons. No fun there. Instead I married the best looking and favorite McGiven brother (I hope the sister-in-laws read this) and now we're traveling across the country and hauling our little boys with us. Anyway I forgot the point to my ramblings BUT want you to know that I will quit slacking on the blogging and also email a bunch of cute Wes pics. He is one great kid! He was the biggest help and backsaver ever (he hauled many loads of laundry up and down the stairs for me). Love you! You're a great example to me.
I know that you are a bit older than I am, but I really do know what you are talking about. My question is, when we are younger we always talk about what we want to be when we grow up...but who says when that point is. I've decided not to be grown up until I figured that out. Which lets be honest might not be until the nest life. I'm with Kelly take a vacation, come out to AZ and we have many times of endless rambling, those are the best conversations.
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