If you Can't Beat 'Em... Join 'Em

Several of my family members have started blogs and I have been having so much fun... and wasting a lot of time I might add, reading them. So I decided that I would start a blog too so that you all could waste some of your time reading my innermost rambling thoughts! I do warn you however that this could be dangerous territory for those of you who are not mildly insane. For those of you who are... welcome to my world!

To begin, I have a few THINGS that I have been thinking about lately and I have a few THINGS to say to some THINGS!

If you're like I am, you experience a degree of shame upon using the word "thing". This shame was instilled by your high school English teacher who taught you that "thing" is a cheap, trashy little word used only by those with a limited vocabulary and/or imagination. Now that I'm old, I say "fie" to that notion. I think "thing" is a fabulous word, and I have no reasoning to back that up. I just like it.

Here's what I'd like to say to:

FALL
Oh Fall, Fall! I can see you, I can! I can feel your calm, cool whispers wafting through Summer's humid breath-bath. Oh, sweetie, come closer! Now! We love you. We miss you, and we're waiting for you to be here again. I promise we'll appreciate you all the way til Winter! We will! We cherish you. Don't make us wait any longer. I can see you hesitating there, in your earth-hued cable-knit sweater, wide-wale corduroy trousers, and sensible loafers. Oh you silly tease, come forth! Relieve us of Summer's overbearing sunniness and wretched heat! Grace us with your coolth! Oh Fall, show yourself! We love you.

FAT
Oh Fat, you fierce fiend. Why? I ask you. What did I ever do to deserve such preferential treatment? Do not think I'll succumb without a battle, you gelatinous jelly roll of goo. I'll fight, I say. Fight! Exercises I'll do. Repetitions I'll perform with serious free weights. Many, many intense walks I will take on the treadmill - at 2% incline! What do you think of that, you persistent dough ball? And The Bean - oh you'd better watch out for The Bean. I'll combine the Bean with free weights. I will! You think you know defeat? You know not. I will demolish you because I've got an EXERCISE BALL and I'm going to knock you out with it.

Let me tell you something else, Fat. The Pony Express hasn't operated for over 140 years. NOBODY NEEDS SADDLEBAGS ANYMORE. If I were a nip/tuck kind of gal, I swear I'd have you violently sucked out of my body and disposed of in a biohazard bag so fast, your adipose self wouldn't know what to think. I would.

Face it, Fat. You're days are numbered. I'm on to you.

FLIES (all two of them)
Get out of my house. I do not find your erratic flight patterns amusing in the least. When you plant your dirty feet on my children's drinking cups, I fantasize about killing you.

You are dull - black and brown with creepy oversized reddish eyes. You are not shiny or pretty or even interesting-looking (maybe under a microscope?). You look like a flying dirt clump and you sound like something I'd never like to hear again as long as I live. You like poop. Eew.

I know you have a place in the ecosystem, but you do not have a place in my home. Get with Fat and take a hike.


That's all.